Feelings

I have so much shit in my head. Trying to do things a bit differently. I wanna feel good. I wanna do good. Trying to love myself. It's a lot harder than you may think, but I'm doing my best.

Fuck, I feel like all my posts sound the same. 

Whatever.

Too Young to Feel This Old

Greetings,

I've been sick-ish for the past month or so. It started with this annoying cough. Could be allergies. Could be asthma. Could be who the hell knows. Then I went to LA, San Francisco, Phoenix, Sedona, and back home within in a week & a half. Crazy huh? Yeah, you can imagine the toll it took on my body. I just turned 25 and I'm legitimately have the body of a 50 year old. I could seriously find out what age my body is, but I'm not sure I want to know. Cancer really fucked up my body to say the least and now I have to really worry about my bones because I got a bone density exam and the results came back "very low." I'll find out more on January 4th,

I'm trying so hard to live the "normal" life of a 25 year old, but I really can't hang how I used to. I was so stoked to travel, but I come back sick. It's really not fair. I have all these dreams, but when I sit back and think about the logistics of it, fuck, it can bring anybody down. 

For now, I guess all I can do is just wait to see what happens next. 

Until next time,

Alexandra

all i want is to feel beautiful on the outside

Well hello there.. long time no see. It always seems like I'm always introducing myself to the internet. I always want to blog, but just honestly forget to. Like in almost all my posts, so much has happened since my last update, but I'll save that for 6 months from now. LOL. I had something specific I felt like writing about. Now I'm sure I've talked plenty about it before, but I'm just in this rut with my self-confidence. I can never seem to escape it. I have no energy to TRY to make changes that are better for me. As silly as it sounds, my double chin is what bothers me the most. Alright, I'm lying, it's among a long list of other things. But yeah, that one...fuck man, I'm average size and I've seen bigger women with no double chins. It boggles my mind. I'm not talking shit, but a true observation that I have seen on many occasions. I'd very much like to exercise, but when it comes down to it, I can't commit. Every single excuse you could think of, I've used it. We all know that if I did start I'd feel 1,000,000,000 times better, but alas, my bed always wins.

I wanna feel beautiful wearing clothes. I wanna feel beautiful being myself. It's a damn shame I don't feel as confident about my looks as I feel with my personality. I think I'm a pretty darn good person, but I don't think it's good enough for other people. Even before I went through cancer, I never felt beautiful on the outside. I felt judged all the time and for things that I tried hard to improve/change. And now that I've practically been mutilated, my perception has gone waaaaaaaay down the hole.

You know how all the hot girls always say they get tired of being called hot? But all the average-looking Janes get called cute or adorable and WISH to be called hot. What a strange world we live in. Man, it would be fucking awesome to be called hot by a total stranger. Or have someone come up to you that is actually good-looking and not just some average Joe. I'm talking about a dude that you are sure that there is no way in hell he'd be interested in you. This is embarrassing to say, like, I'm struggling to write this right now, but I've NEVER been approached by a hot-ass dude at a bar or anywhere for that matter. IF I've had a dude come up to me, it's been someone I'm not attracted to that probably is also in my shoes. Yes, I feel for them, but damn, I just want to be noticed by someone that I would find attractive. I've ALWAYS been the girl behind the shadows. If I went out with a bunch of girlfriends, I was never looked at. They might talk to me, but to ask about my friend. I can't believe I'm writing this for people to read. It's legitimately embarrassing, but I need to get it off my chest. Now, I'm in no way saying I don't want my friends to get it hit-on, because I have some gorgeous girlfriends and hell yeah they should get hit-on, but do you know how tiring and sad it is to be in the background all the time? SOMEONE GIVE ME A CHANCE!

There's so many things I wish I could change and I will try with every fiber in my being to make myself feel better. I don't want to necessarily change features about myself, I just want to be the best Alexandra I can be. And I have to start with being good to myself.

xx,
A

Goodbye 2014

At the beginning of 2014, I made a jar to put notes of all the new & fun things I did over the course of the year. So to make room for 2015, I'm going to list all the things below. They probably won't be in order, but it's ok! It was a good way for me to reflect & see all the cool things I did.

Here we go...

12/13/14 - Jhene Aiko concert (Phoenix, AZ)
08/08/14 - Eminem x Rihanna concert in (Pasadena, CA)
09/19/14 - First day at SF EC
08/28/14 - Officially in REMISSION!!!!
05/15/14 - SDSU Graduation (Calexico, CA)
11/20/14 - Saw Mockingjay movie
11/22/14 - Made it to 24 years old!!!!
06/05/14 - Saw The Fault In Our Stars <3
07/19/14 - CRCD BBQ Kickoff
06/02/14 - Fourth time seeing Gaga (San Diego, CA)<3
09/09/14 - PMH Community Forum
07/08/14 - Celebrated Eva's 40th birthday & she dropped a part of her cake! HAHAHA
05/09/14 - 93.3 Summer Kickoff (San Diego, CA)
05/09/14 - First time tailgaiting
04/24/14 - First time on a plane
04/24/14 - WPA trip (Portland, OR)
04/26/14 - Portland Saturday market, saw silver man statue
05/14/14 - Last day of school..ever?
04/27/14 - Found dollar on last day in Portland
06/01/14 - First time at a gay bar (Rich's in Hillcrest )
07/17/14 - First job interview, post-cancer
04/26/14 - Karaoke Voicebox (Portland, OR)
01/31/14 - Second time seeing MxPx. Met Mike Herrera & he recognized me!
08/02/14 - First time at Six Flags
05-28-14 - Second time seeing BSB (San Diego, CA) <3
11/02/14 - Aguilas baseball game in Mexicali
06/02/14 - Gaga read my sign & sang part of "Marry The Night" & changed the lyric to "Fuck Cancer!"
10/17/14 - Foobies put in
10/18/14 - First time carving a pumpkin
06/26/14 - 1 year since started chemo
01/19/14 - Had a huge torta in Phoenix where Adam Richman went
07/04/14 - Almost burned Jon's yard with a sparkler
05/17/14 - One year since mastectomy
09/06/14 - Volunteered at CRCD Symposium
06/06/14 - Neon Trees (San Diego, CA)
03/28/14 -  Performed an original poem "Warrior Queen" in talent show at SDSU
01/21/14 - One year cancerversary
04/01/14 - Went to Phil's BBQ for the first time in SD
11/08/14 - Cattle Call Rodeo
02/15/14 - Demi Lovato (Phoenix, AZ)
01/13/14 - Received my BSB lyric print & signed print
01/18/14 - Random trip to movies in Phoenix to see Ride Along with Priscilla, Adrian & Jon
03/28/14 - Took grad photo for commencement ceremony
03/22/14 - Relay for Life EC
04/19/14 - Knott's Berry Farm with Karina Panduro & SDSU-IVC students
05/22/14 - Knott's Berry Farm with Psych club
04/27/14 - Breakfast at The Roxy in Portland
07/25/14 - Trip to Ensenada with so many food adventures
01/01/14 - Got to live to see 2014!!
01/19/14 - Jon's 24h birthday at Tommy's
01/16/14 - Scared mom with Liam cutout in her room after dinner. Freaking hilarious!!!
01/11/14 - Made my first legit meal in years! Lemon grilled chicken, potato au gratin, cheddar bay biscuits
01/10/14 - Lupita's band practiced at my house
04/26/14 - Ate at haunted pizza place in Portland
04/24/14 - Went to Powell's Bookstore in PDX. Biggest independent bookstore.

Kicked down

As always, I come saying how it's been so long since I've jotted down my thoughts & how I'm gonna start blogging more, nope. Doesn't happen. Too much has happened (another thing I always say), but life won't give me a damn break. I just want everything to stop already. I want people to stop breaking me down. I want people to be kind. To be thoughtful. To think of others. To realize that their words impact people, good or bad. Is that to much to ask for? Well, it seems like it.

There are a lot of situations that I want to talk about, but these things I don't feel comfortable talking about on such a public space.

I've been crying a lot lately. Seems as though the past 2 years, my heart has been surrounded by ice. It's starting to melt away or it could just be that I've been pushed around lately & just making me over-emotional. I pick the second reason.

I try not use the cancer card as an excuse for things, but it's a major role as to why I'm the way I am now. I'm strong, but I'm weak. I'm happy, but I'm sad. I wish people would look a bit further.. go behind the surface.. look beyond those wounds. Maybe she's being like that for a reason..

I wanna say I'm a good person. I'm not perfect, but I try my best to be the best me I can be. I don't think i'm cruel to people, even those I don't necessarily have a liking too. I'd never be vicious to anyone. If I speak about something, it's because I genuinely have concern about it. I don't like wasting my time or being mean to others. What's that gonna do? I feel like lately people are tearing apart my spirit. It's not like I'm allowing them to, but they creep in there & do or say whatever. As much as I brush it off, I AM HUMAN. There's only so much I can take. Even when I know I'm right, I take the beating for being "wrong." I'm more concerned about it than you. I apologize first. I muster up every inch of my being to make things right, but I'm always in the wrong. I say the wrong thing. I do the wrong thing. My feelings don't matter. My thoughts don't matter. My heart doesn't matter. I don't matter.

This is all I have the energy for right now. I guess you'll have to wait another 3 months.

A Lovely Mess

Hello all! As always, I'm posting months later than I intend to. So much has gone on, but has it ever really slowed down? I had my implants put in on October 17th. It's something that I'm adjusting to & I'm not sure if I was emotionally prepared for this change. Everyone keeps asking me what size I went & it has really started to irritate me. Honestly, who the fuck cares what size I decided to get?! Or why my "D" size foobs, don't look like a "D".

REMINDER: I DID NOT GET A "BOOB JOB"!!!! I HAD RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY! TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!

I understand people are curious, but gosh darn it, y'all need to be a little more sensitive towards me. Have your boobs removed & get a "boob job" & tell me how you feel, huh! This shit is traumatic. My doctor said she was going to do everything possible to make them look as normal as they can look, but let's face it, they won't look 100%. They're not going to look like when a vain chick wants to get her boobs done.

I know I'm still swollen & all that, but I'm finding the imperfections already, but I remind myself over & over that it's not going to look the same. Your skin can only stretch & adapt after so much trauma. I mean, I am happy that I finally got this done & they do look good for being what it is, but it's a lot to take in.

Well, I guess that's enough ranting for one night. 

We Shall Be Free

Well... my uncle/nino passed away 8/18/14 from pancreatic cancer. His services were last week & it was very emotional for me. I do find comfort in knowing he's no longer suffering & in peace, whilst being reunited with his loved ones. Fortunately, he was able to plan out his funeral his way. It was a beautiful service & I know he was looking down & smiling down at us. And I'm sure he was laughing that wonderful, contagious laugh of his during the funny moments that happened.

But, all this happened at a weird time. The day before his funeral, I went to the doc & he told me I'm in remission. My scans came out good, not perfect, but good. I'll take what I can get! But more on that in a future post..

Obviously, life doesn't slow down for anyone. The past 2 years have been crazy for my family. One hit after the other. I would really like to have good news from now on..PLEASE!!!!! Our family needs it!

I have other things I want to talk about, but I just wanted to keep this sorta short & I'm really not in the mood to write. So, I'm just filling you in.