One of those nights..

I can't sleep. My mind is running on hopeless thoughts & useless memories. I'm calling my doctor's today to hopefully get a surgery date. I've already confirmed to myself what I'm going to do. Double mastectomy. Wow. I would have never in a million crazy thoughts, would ever think that something like this would  happen to ME. That at 22 years old, I would be facing the thoughts of removing my breasts. I know they don't define who I am, but jeeze.. what a crazy life. I was planning ideas of where to move & live, but now I'm planning what's the best thing to do for me. What will minimize MY risk of cancer coming up elsewhere. So much life ahead of me & I have to live through a torturous nightmare. I will shine. I will succeed. I will beat the living hell out of cancer. I'M A WARRIOR QUEEN.

"Yeah, you've been dealt a bad hand. Placed against a stacked deck
Been through all the cat scans and bad checks
But I slashed your debt. Not your wrists
And I couldn't help with anything else that became cancerous..

It's been a hell of a year
You said that I ain't there, I ain't care, and life ain't fair
It's been a hell of a trip."

A little bit caught in the middle..

What a hell of a week! Went up to San Diego back to back for doctor appointments. Work was insanely busy. My goddaughter has been ill for almost a week & took 3 trips to the ER for her to be sent to the children's hospital (which pissed me off). Unbelievable that they couldn't recognize something the 1st time. I'll even give them the 2nd time. My dad's brother is also in the hospital in the ICU, but looks like he's doing fine at the present time. Just give us a break, jeeze.

Back to my doctor appointments.. my surgical oncologist stated he would not feel comfortable if he didn't remove the right breast. Not doing so, he wouldn't be confident in saying the margins are clear. As for the left breast, nothing shows at this moment, but scans can only show when it's cancer is at a certain size. There are billions of cells and even just half of your pinky nail, cancer wouldn't show up on a scan. I could be totally fine in that breast, i also could not be. And in my case, only being 22 & having cancer, it's likely I could develop it in the left one some day in the future. He told me it's up to me what I wanna do, but to also talk with the plastic surgeon to see what he recommends. The plastic surgeon HIGHLY recommended removing the left one. Not just vanity reasons, but for the occurrence & do I really wanna have to go through this again?

So, that's why I'm caught in the middle. I'm still considering all my options in what is best for ME. I'm leaning towards both, but I haven't fully decided. It's a terrifying, long procedure, that will happen in stages. Of course removing both means if I have children, no breastfeeding. That sucks! I know that isn't the only way to bond, but fuck.. so many things I may not be able to experience cause of this stupid shit. I'm going to kick cancers ass so fucking hard, it's going to regret even fucking with me & messing up everything. BUT it's not going to stop my dreams. You wait & see.

Which brings me to another thing. There are a few things I need to clear up before I have surgery (I don't have a date yet, but should be within the next few weeks). It's in NO WAY thinking that I'm going to die, though, so please refrain from thinking that. But I am facing a life threatening disease & I just don't want to have all these things in the back of my head. I want to feel free from these thoughts & feelings. Whether it's confronting some people or doing things that will release me, I gotta do this for me.

I guess we'll see what will happen..