It's been a little over 2 weeks since I started the new meds. I gotta take them for 5, maybe 10 years. Yipee! Not. These meds make me not feel like myself. Too many side effects, but I'll mention the main ones.
Mood swings. Totally not me. One moment I'm ok, then I'm all snappy & what not. I try to control them to the best of my ability, but my mom thinks I'm not. Trust me, I'm trying.
Anxiety. It hasn't been too bad, but I get it mainly at night. I've been a bit stressed & exhausted, which I hate admitting, and I think that's adding to the anxiety. I committed to a lot this semester, forgetting I'm still not done with everything.
Insomnia. I go to sleep at like 2-3 a.m., wake up around 8/9 a.m. Even when I do sleep, I feel like I'm not rested. And the thing is I AM exhausted & want to sleep.
Depression. I'm having stints of it & I absolutely, fucking hate it. I can be with my loved ones & say a joke & laugh, but I feel so empty inside at the same time. Luckily, I'm making every attempt to be happy, cause this is the thing I don't want to get worse.
I criticize myself too much & when I stop myself, i get this feeling of why am I doing this to myself? I've always been organized, having a plan for everything, needing to be in control. Cancer took that away from me. Which can be looked at as both a good or bad thing. I've had all these plans, and now they seem so far away. I know eventually they'll happen, but not according to my plan. I have to stop judging myself. I'm my own worst critic and biggest enemy. It doesn't help when social media focuses on beauty & all that. I don't fit in those categories. I'm 23 with my boobs chopped off & plastic as boobs. How am i supposed to feel "beautiful?" This is probably the medicine talking, but fuck man, I feel like I have to fit in societies mold of what's acceptable. I gotta be happy all the time. Positive. Pretty. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. What's so wrong with not wanting to be strong all the time? I'm a fucking human being, riding an extremely, emotional roller coaster. LET ME BE!!! That's the thing that bothers me. I have to out this front on all the damn time. I'm not gonna always have it together. But just know that at the end of this shitty ride, I will see the light. I'm gonna prove to you & myself. It may seem contradicting, but you know what, it's not. And I truly think only people who have gone through something tragic like this, understand.
I feel so delirious & tired, I'm not sure if what I just typed is even grammatically correct. But you know what? Fuck it. It's my blog, it's my life.
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