Alive & kicking

It's been over two weeks since my last post & first chemo. The first few days were the worst!!! I was so depressed, in pain, had no energy.. I was miserable. Somehow I mustard up the strength to get out of bed, shower & let some sun in. Let me tell ya, that worked wonders, in addition to all the tears I finally let out!

I was prepared with advice from people who've experienced this poison & my doctors telling me the side effects. The pain, depression, the hair loss, appetite, loneliness, the reality of seeing who actually is there for me, it's all a smack in the face. But even above all the physical pain, nothing hurts more than the loneliness. I'm thankful for those few friends who've contacted me personally, not just through social media. Those who've offered to come over, even though I say no cause I'm tired or have some appointment to go to, or honestly just don't want to be seen. It may seem contradictory, but you're not living it, so you don't know. I've been somewhat embarrassed of what a mess I've become, so I don't want to be seen. I feel insecure. I've come to find out some people have chosen not to contact me cause they wanna give me space. Honestly, I'd rather them contact & I choose if I want to reply or answer. Don't make that decision for me. It feels worse to not get any calls or texts, than it does being overwhelmed by the support.

Now, this upcoming week is crazy busy. Chemo week. Which means blood tests, NP appt, chemo, shots. Joy! Oh, by the way, I'm bald! The picture is right after, I was crying before the photo, but not crying cause I'm team baldy now, but crying cause towards the end it was hurting my scalp. The hair was already coming out on it's own & it hurt when it was just the clippers doing it's thing. I'm going to get a wig on Monday, but my sister's in the fight have said they never even used there's. It's itchy, it's hot, uncomfortable! I wanna have one though, just in case & I'm going to look for fun ones too.

Well, I'll try to write again this week.

Tootles!