Si tú me olvidas

QUIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti,
como si todo lo que existe,
aromas, luz, metales,
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien,
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco
el viento de banderas
que pasa por mi vida
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día,
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube
una flor a tus labios a buscarme,
ay amor mío, ay mía,
en mí todo ese fuego se repite,
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos
sin salir de los míos.

Death

This isn't a subject I've really talked a lot about. It has come to my mind, but I know in my heart I'll make it through this. But.. I've recently found out that my sister in the fight has been getting bad news. First that her breast cancer spread to her lungs, then colon, now liver, bones, neck & still some spots in her lungs.

It's scary. She has two small kids and a husband. I can't even fathom hearing those words from the doctor. It was the first time it was brought up... now that it has been spreading like crazy...

This is my first experience with it.. my lovely, tough friend... I just... idk... I know to some extent what it's like, but this is another ballpark. I just pray that God gives her & her family to keep fighting & that just cause she heard those words being a possibility, doesn't mean it will.

I have faith.

New Direction

Feeling lost sucks. So many directions, but which one do I take? With feeling lost comes too many personalities. Who am I really? Do I conform to whatever surroundings I'm in? Or am I dabbling in everything to figure myself out. Fuck it, how about I'm all those things, because I want to be whatever I want. Even if it feels as if I'm living a double, triple, whichever amount of lives.

I'm playing race, catching up on all that I've missed. And really it's not just cause of cancer, but even before that. I missed out 4 years due to a relationship. Heck, even before THAT. I've always lived such a bland life. Nothing too interesting that would make people gravitate to my story in life. How does an awesome person have such a boring life? No clue. It just.. happens. But I'm working on changing all that.

It's honestly hard making friends at this age. People aren't so keen at letting people in their lives like when you're younger & I don't blame them. I can be like that, but I give people chances & then if I feel like they're too much of a negative impact I cut them off. That's what I've been doing this year, unfortunately. Besides that, I'm just so awkward now. Scatter-brain makes it hard to talk to people cause I jump around in my thoughts & forget things. I forgot my name once! How is that even possible? It is. Not just this, but the fact that you don't wanna disclose that you cancer so soon, but how can you ignore it? I've learned the hard way bringing it up so soon. It scares people away sadly & you don't wanna sound like a downer either. But this is who I am, you know? It's now a part of me & I sometimes think that if people run away when you tell them, then they're just saving you from time being wasted.

*Le sigh*

Even though all that I've mentioned is a bummer, I'm generally happy with my life. It may sound otherwise at times, but it's cause I get frustrated. I've learned so much about myself this year.. actually it all started after the break-up & my Tata passing away, but 2013 has been the biggest impact. My eyes have opened differently. My mind is clearer, ironically, haha. I'm just waiting to test myself in the near future all that I've learned.

I'm going to take advantage of you 2014!!!!

The Monster

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices INSIDEof my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

 

 I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh well, guess beggars can't be choosey
Wanted to receive attention for my music
Wanted to be left alone in public. Excuse me
For wanting my cake and eat it too, and wanting it both ways
Fame made me a balloon 'cause my ego inflated
When I blew; see, but it was confusing
'Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf
Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam (wooh!)
Hit the lottery, oh wee
With what I gave up to get was bittersweet
It was like winning a used me
Ironic 'cause I think I'm getting so huge I need a shrink
I'm beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep
Going cuckoo and cooky as Kool Keith
But I'm actually weirder than you think
'Cause I'm


I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

Well, that's not fair
Well, that's not fair


No, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me
To seize the moment and don't squander it
'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow
So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
(Yeah, ponder it, do you want this?
It's no wonder you're losing your mind, the way it wanders)
Yo-lo-lo-lo-yee-whoo
I think you've been wandering off down yonder
And stumbled onto Jeff VanVonderen
'Cause I need an interventionist
To intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it
My OCD is conking me in the head
Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking
I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying
Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the


I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

Well, that's not fair
Well, that's not fair

Call me crazy, but I had this vision
One day that I'd walk amongst you a regular civilian
But until then drums get killed and I'm coming straight at
MCs, blood get spilled and I
Take it back to the days that I get on a Dre track
Give every kid who got played that
Pumped up feeling and shit to say back
To the kids who played 'em
I ain't here to save the fucking children
But if one kid out of a hundred million
Who are going through a struggle feels and then relates that's so great
It's payback, Russell Wilson falling way back
In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that
Straw into gold chump, I will spin Rumpelstiltskin in a haystack
Maybe I need a straight jacket, face facts
I am nuts for real, but I'm okay with that
It's nothing, I'm still friends with the


I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy


Well, that's not fair
Well, that's not fair