New Direction

Feeling lost sucks. So many directions, but which one do I take? With feeling lost comes too many personalities. Who am I really? Do I conform to whatever surroundings I'm in? Or am I dabbling in everything to figure myself out. Fuck it, how about I'm all those things, because I want to be whatever I want. Even if it feels as if I'm living a double, triple, whichever amount of lives.

I'm playing race, catching up on all that I've missed. And really it's not just cause of cancer, but even before that. I missed out 4 years due to a relationship. Heck, even before THAT. I've always lived such a bland life. Nothing too interesting that would make people gravitate to my story in life. How does an awesome person have such a boring life? No clue. It just.. happens. But I'm working on changing all that.

It's honestly hard making friends at this age. People aren't so keen at letting people in their lives like when you're younger & I don't blame them. I can be like that, but I give people chances & then if I feel like they're too much of a negative impact I cut them off. That's what I've been doing this year, unfortunately. Besides that, I'm just so awkward now. Scatter-brain makes it hard to talk to people cause I jump around in my thoughts & forget things. I forgot my name once! How is that even possible? It is. Not just this, but the fact that you don't wanna disclose that you cancer so soon, but how can you ignore it? I've learned the hard way bringing it up so soon. It scares people away sadly & you don't wanna sound like a downer either. But this is who I am, you know? It's now a part of me & I sometimes think that if people run away when you tell them, then they're just saving you from time being wasted.

*Le sigh*

Even though all that I've mentioned is a bummer, I'm generally happy with my life. It may sound otherwise at times, but it's cause I get frustrated. I've learned so much about myself this year.. actually it all started after the break-up & my Tata passing away, but 2013 has been the biggest impact. My eyes have opened differently. My mind is clearer, ironically, haha. I'm just waiting to test myself in the near future all that I've learned.

I'm going to take advantage of you 2014!!!!