63

63 is the odds of me living a long life. Crazy. It's not a terrible number, but it's not the ideal percentage I'd like. I see this number in a form of a grade, I'm a D- in this fucked up world. I'm technically failing at life, no? Not going to lie, but when I went to the doctor yesterday & he went over everything, this blew me out of the water. So surreal seeing those things in print. You imagine it, but once you see it, it's a different ball game. I pray with all my being that I get the chance to live a long, relatively healthy, life...

The next thing I wanted to talk about was death. We got the news about 2 weeks ago that my uncle decided to go into hospice. He has pancreatic cancer & it's spreading & the chemo isn't working. This sucks. Cancer sucks. Dying sucks. But dying is a side effect from cancer... Luckily, with hospice, he won't have to worry so much about the horrible pain he has to experience & he can pass on somewhat comfortable. My parent's & other uncle went to visit him & I stayed with my nana. I wanted to say goodbye one last time face to face, but my nana didn't want to go. It hurts her too much. I've been wanting to at least call him & speak with him while he still can & tell him how much I love him & what a great man he is. But I haven't been able to do it. I'm scared. I'm sad.

FUCK CANCER!

Interview

I have an interview this upcoming Thursday, 7/17/14. I'm so fucking nervous. It's been a good awhile since I've last worked or had an interview. And now it's after cancer. No long hair to somewhat hide behind. I fear being judged, not being good enough for the position, but I know that I'd excel in it. It's not too far off from what I did once.

But what I'm trying to say is that no matter how nonchalant I come across or how secure I may seem, I do have insecurities still. They gnaw at me when I'm having an off day. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin (if only that were possible). And then it turns into feelings of always getting the short end of the stick.

It's something I'm working on daily though. I try to look at the mirror & tell myself something positive. I know there are things I can't change & other things I can. I'm trying to find the motivation to do those, but some of them require money. I'm telling myself if I get the job I'll get a gym membership. Something I was always against, because why exercise when you got the outdoors and you can make your own equipment. Obviously that hasn't worked out great for me. I know if I start exercising I'll feel 100 times better about myself. I'm not looking to lose weight, but tone up, especially get rid of my double chin. I know people think I'm crazy, but I have it, there's no denying it.

Well, I'm getting a tad bit sidetracked. I just pray that I get this job, so I can start making money again & not have to rely on my parents to pay my bills. They've never had to pay my bills & I feel so lame! Since I started working at 17, if I wanted something, I could get it. I could pay my bills on my terms. This is too weird for me & I wanna feel self-sufficient in that way at least.

Wish me luck!

Keep Looking Where Your Eyes Are Looking Now

Well... it's been a bit over 2 months since my last post. Where do I even begin? SO MUCH has happened in the past 2 months, it's incredible. Since April 21st I've gone to Portland, Graduated, saw Gaga for the 4th time AND she read my sign & sang part of the song for Marry the Night!!!!!!! How fucking rad, right?!?!?! I have to admit though, I started ugly crying as soon as I heard her say, "What does that sign say?" Chills going through my body right now! One of the best moments of my entire 23 year old life. The fact that she knows of my existence is enough for me. Ok, I lied, if I meet her that will make it even better. Soon enough.

Besides all that cool stuff that happened, I recently started volunteering at Cancer Resource Center of the Desert (CRCD) & it's been such a great experience so far! I'm also semi-looking for jobs, but since I'm still waiting to have my reconstruction surgery, I'm not actively pursuing jobs. I'd hate to start working and then have to take time off. I'm also in the process of switching insurances and that's been a pain in my ass.

In news with my cancer, I felt something in my armpit, close to one of my incisions. Doc said it could possibly just be scar tissue, but I need to get my scans done to make sure. And since my primary insurance likes to lag & thing scans aren't important for a 23 year old breast cancer patient, I'm still waiting. It's been a month since I've seen him & it still hasn't been approved. WTF, dude! At least I'm changing insurances & hopefully won't be having these problems. It's so crucial for me to get the adequate care, because I am young and it's not normal, especially to have breast cancer. Time can't be wasted & unfortunately I feel like it is being wasted. That, or I'm just not as patient as I used to be (I'm not).

I always say this, but I hope I'm more active on my blog and not wait a month or two to jot down everything. It's really cool to look back and read what I was feeling at that moment. Anyways, thanks for reading!