Well hello there.. long time no see. It always seems like I'm always introducing myself to the internet. I always want to blog, but just honestly forget to. Like in almost all my posts, so much has happened since my last update, but I'll save that for 6 months from now. LOL. I had something specific I felt like writing about. Now I'm sure I've talked plenty about it before, but I'm just in this rut with my self-confidence. I can never seem to escape it. I have no energy to TRY to make changes that are better for me. As silly as it sounds, my double chin is what bothers me the most. Alright, I'm lying, it's among a long list of other things. But yeah, that one...fuck man, I'm average size and I've seen bigger women with no double chins. It boggles my mind. I'm not talking shit, but a true observation that I have seen on many occasions. I'd very much like to exercise, but when it comes down to it, I can't commit. Every single excuse you could think of, I've used it. We all know that if I did start I'd feel 1,000,000,000 times better, but alas, my bed always wins.
I wanna feel beautiful wearing clothes. I wanna feel beautiful being myself. It's a damn shame I don't feel as confident about my looks as I feel with my personality. I think I'm a pretty darn good person, but I don't think it's good enough for other people. Even before I went through cancer, I never felt beautiful on the outside. I felt judged all the time and for things that I tried hard to improve/change. And now that I've practically been mutilated, my perception has gone waaaaaaaay down the hole.
You know how all the hot girls always say they get tired of being called hot? But all the average-looking Janes get called cute or adorable and WISH to be called hot. What a strange world we live in. Man, it would be fucking awesome to be called hot by a total stranger. Or have someone come up to you that is actually good-looking and not just some average Joe. I'm talking about a dude that you are sure that there is no way in hell he'd be interested in you. This is embarrassing to say, like, I'm struggling to write this right now, but I've NEVER been approached by a hot-ass dude at a bar or anywhere for that matter. IF I've had a dude come up to me, it's been someone I'm not attracted to that probably is also in my shoes. Yes, I feel for them, but damn, I just want to be noticed by someone that I would find attractive. I've ALWAYS been the girl behind the shadows. If I went out with a bunch of girlfriends, I was never looked at. They might talk to me, but to ask about my friend. I can't believe I'm writing this for people to read. It's legitimately embarrassing, but I need to get it off my chest. Now, I'm in no way saying I don't want my friends to get it hit-on, because I have some gorgeous girlfriends and hell yeah they should get hit-on, but do you know how tiring and sad it is to be in the background all the time? SOMEONE GIVE ME A CHANCE!
There's so many things I wish I could change and I will try with every fiber in my being to make myself feel better. I don't want to necessarily change features about myself, I just want to be the best Alexandra I can be. And I have to start with being good to myself.
xx,
A
No comments:
Post a Comment