Getting There..

Tomorrow I will be finding out what action will be taking & this journey. Probably have a surgery date soon? I'm not in any rush, obviously, cause it's scary to think about what I'll be facing. That fire is gonna burn..

So, I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamt I was pregnant. I think I dreamt that cause my cousin & his wife are having a baby :). Or, it could also be cause of all the baby fever I've been having lately. It was so surreal.. & I dreamt it was a baby girl. Gosh, I PRAY, I can have at least one baby, someday. That I can find a man that will be loving & kind.. & sensitive with everything I have gone through. Someone who's not judgmental, that can see past all the imperfections.

With that said, I'm off to slumber. Busy week coming up.

Oh & I accidentally deleted my 1st post

Fan-fucking-tastic. My first post was a great story. I took you on a ride through finding out I have breast cancer. Now, it's gone :(.

Feeling Weird

Feeling like whatever I do, it's not good enough. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm over this emotional roller coaster ride I'm on. One minute I'm happy as can be, the next, a wave of sadness & anger comes out.

No matter how I try to explain, it just doesn't make sense. To them, to myself. It's a blur. I don't wanna come across as needy, annoying, complaining, etc. But no matter what I say or do, it just seems like I'm being judged.

I'm trying to by myself, but being myself gets me into trouble.

Ready? Set. GO!

Lots of new things happening in the lovely world of cancer. The genetic test came back negative, SCORE!!! This was a definite sigh of relief, but makes me think...WHY DO I HAVE CANCER?! Obviously, I can't get too fixated on that, because I have it, so now it's just dealing with it. But really, why? For a short moment I will give myself room to ponder. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with too much radiation, or chemicals, or all that junk. If I could bet on it, I'd say stress. Maybe all that was built up over the years, did me dirty. I did have high estrogen levels, so that's a possibility. Especially the last year or two, my stress was at it's peak. My life was a crazy roller-coaster life & I didn't know how to get off. I had everyone telling me what I should do, but I just couldn't do it. Whatever, hate me for those times, but what's the point in reminding me about it. If you don't care, why give me shit on it. Logical, right? I learned, be proud of THAT.

Back to what I was saying.. I do think stress had a major role in why I'm going through this now. So, I'm taking it easy & again, learning, how to cope better. It's a challenge & learning experience every day. I'm trying to be as "carefree" & let things roll off my shoulder, because I only have one life, & why live life negatively & with a scowl on my face. That shit ain't going to make me better.

Now, with those genetic results, my surgical oncologist mentioned that he recommends getting a mastectomy. After we got off the phone, I figured since he didn't say "double mastectomy" that I'd only be removing the right breast. But I see him on April 1st (April Fool's Day, maybe the jokes on me?) , so I'll make sure to have all my questions answered then. I have to admit, that night it took me awhile to sleep, since I kept thinking about it. Even though I haven't admitted it to my mom yet, I"m nervous & scared. That's a big, life-changing decision. I know I'll have a tough time dealing with it, if I decide to do it. I've also looked up one of the plastic surgeons that they referred me over to. Woohoo! I'm going to be a barbie doll!!!! I have faith everything will turn out well, but my stomach starting turning on all you gotta do to just look normal. And even then, will I even really look normal??!?!?!?!

Prior to my diagnosis, I had a few insecurities, which got heightened over the past year, but even more so now with having breast cancer. So, I can only imagine how I'm going to feel if I only have one boobie for awhile. I had recurring thoughts of getting out of the shower or changing & seeing one big scar, where something is missing. I see it looking so horrid in my head & it makes me feel ugly when I think of that. This is me over-analyzing it, but I have to give myself room to type what really goes on in my head. I worry about the future & how this is going to affect future relationships, friendships, marriage, children, etc. It all gets factored in. All that is already hard in itself & adding this on-top just makes it more overwhelming. It's frustrating to be told, everything will be fine, you'll find someone who will accept you or when they say their mom had it or their aunt, or whoever & "look at them." Exactly my point, THEY, not them, themselves. And "THEY" were probably older than me, maybe married with kids. Not 22, single, no kids. It's easy for them to think, if they did it, you can too. I know I can, but my struggle is a bit different. It's easier to hear it from a breast cancer survivor, opposed to someone who knows someone.

OK, another thought. If I get a mastectomy & let's say the cut skin from my stomach, how will that affect me having babies? My risk is already high, what if I can't carry my child? Thankfully, there's more you can do to have children, but I'd be so devastated if I couldn't even experience having a growing being in me. Gaaaaah!!! If only you could just have cancer, get treatment, & be good. HAHAHAHA, wouldn't that be nice? Unfortunately, it's not that way & we just get slapped with more shit to deal with.

Well, enough ranting for the time being. It felt good to just type my frustration away. Especially, with no one at the current moment that I could just run to, hug & let it all out. Sometimes, you just need a good hug, *le sigh.*

One last thing:

FUCK CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

I won't apologize for the cussing, or any type of offensive shit I might say, just cause I have every right to feel or think how I want, and right now, I'm angry with cancer & all the bullshit it comes with :).

Tootle-loo, motherfucker!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Let's start off  with updates on the cancer:

We saw the nurse practitioner last Thursday, she said results for the MRI came back good, no cancer has spread! As for the genetic test, I have to wait a bit longer, insurance was being a jerk about the date of service, but LOOKS like it got taken care of. Hopefully, in 2 weeks I'll hear some good news about that. More of the waiting game.

Last night, I went to a young patient's support group in San Diego, at the hospital I'm going to. The group is for both men & women, in their 20s, 30s, & 40s, dealing with any type of cancer. We covered obstacles that we are facing, while living with that "scary" word cancer. There was this cool, chick in her late 20s, who had an awesome attitude & was up-front with it. Her biggest advice was that it's all easy right now, but once we're done & in remission, that's where it's going to suck. Everyone else also agreed with that statement, so I'm just bracing myself for when that time comes. I'm glad they are honest & just straight-up & tell you what to expect. The last thing I want to hear is that it will be daisies & posies, BULLSHIT. It's going to be hard & I'm not going to expect being strong all the time. I'll fall, but I'll pick myself up & get back on that dangerous road called L I FE. They did mention how people sort-of disappear once you're in remission. The calls, the questions of how you're doing, the genuity of it all, lessens. Not necessarily, that people don't care anymore, but since you're "ok" some just put you in the back of their head. THIS is why they said the worse part is after everything is over. You don't know what to do with yourself, you long for attention or for someone to just look out for your well-being. I'd assume some of you would think it's needy, but when YOU deal with it, you just want someone to be there. Plain & simple.

I guess when I do think about what's going on, my biggest concern is how I'm going to look & how it will affect my self-esteem. I know its sounds really vain, but we all know that in this world looks matter, unfortunately. I do have my days, like today, where I didn't feel comfortable with how I looked. I felt like my boobs looked abnormal. I know they probably didn't, but it was something that got stuck in my head when I changed this morning. It didn't help that I ate a lot during lunch & had a "food baby" so I just looked odd today, haha.

Anyways.. I've obviously been put in a situation where I have to think about the future, especially having babies. The possibility of not having any, or also not being able to find a partner that will understand everything I've gone (will be going) through. That's the hardest pill to swallow. I'm putting my trust & faith in God, & I know he'll put everything how it should be.

Which leads me to the awesome weekend I had! I had a mini vacation, it was totally what I needed to relieve some tension & have some good ol' fun.

I went up to San Diego on Saturday afternoon, met up with my friend Susie, went to eat at Slater's 50/50, BOMBSKIES!!! I had the bacon burger. Overload of bacon & I don't regret it ;)

The next day was just plain, awesome!!! I met up with Lauren, we had breakfast at The Broken Yolk, and again, overload of bacon, hahaha.We shared our stories, it felt so good talking to someone who knows exactly what it's like. THANK YOU, LAUREN!

Later that day, Susie & my brother, David, went to Sunset Cliffs & we met up with Jon, Turi & Vanessa. We enjoyed the gorgeous sunset, absolutely breathtaking. It was one of those feelings where you felt infinite. The saltiness smell of the ocean. The cool, wind that was blowing through my hair. The laughter in the air. It made me feel alive.

 After that memorable time, we went back to my brother's house for some carne asada. It was really laid back, had some good food & vibes. Reminiscing about the old days, how long we've known each other, what everyone is up to. There was this moment when I mentioned, we grew up together, not thinking that something like cancer would happen to someone we've known since elementary. Kinda surreal.

The next day, David & I went to the San Diego Museum of Man & the Instruments of Torture exhibit. I was so stoked to be there, & enjoyed every moment of it. I wish I could've taken photos of the exhibit, but they didn't allow it, loser's! At the museum, I went a bit crazy photographing everything.

Of course, when I saw C-3PO, I automatically thought of my sistah!

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE MUSEUM WAS THE ANCIENT EGYPT EXHIBIT! I've had an obsession with Mummies, Egyptian artifacts, etc., since I was a little girl. At one point in time, I wanted to be an Archaeologist! So, when I got to see this, I was in heaven.

Overall, this weekend was a memorable, fun experience. I'm glad I got to do these things with great people, in a great place. Can't wait to do it again!

All of this, is a reminder to keep on fighting & being that cancer, ass-kicking, WARRIOR QUEEN!