Ready? Set. GO!

Lots of new things happening in the lovely world of cancer. The genetic test came back negative, SCORE!!! This was a definite sigh of relief, but makes me think...WHY DO I HAVE CANCER?! Obviously, I can't get too fixated on that, because I have it, so now it's just dealing with it. But really, why? For a short moment I will give myself room to ponder. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with too much radiation, or chemicals, or all that junk. If I could bet on it, I'd say stress. Maybe all that was built up over the years, did me dirty. I did have high estrogen levels, so that's a possibility. Especially the last year or two, my stress was at it's peak. My life was a crazy roller-coaster life & I didn't know how to get off. I had everyone telling me what I should do, but I just couldn't do it. Whatever, hate me for those times, but what's the point in reminding me about it. If you don't care, why give me shit on it. Logical, right? I learned, be proud of THAT.

Back to what I was saying.. I do think stress had a major role in why I'm going through this now. So, I'm taking it easy & again, learning, how to cope better. It's a challenge & learning experience every day. I'm trying to be as "carefree" & let things roll off my shoulder, because I only have one life, & why live life negatively & with a scowl on my face. That shit ain't going to make me better.

Now, with those genetic results, my surgical oncologist mentioned that he recommends getting a mastectomy. After we got off the phone, I figured since he didn't say "double mastectomy" that I'd only be removing the right breast. But I see him on April 1st (April Fool's Day, maybe the jokes on me?) , so I'll make sure to have all my questions answered then. I have to admit, that night it took me awhile to sleep, since I kept thinking about it. Even though I haven't admitted it to my mom yet, I"m nervous & scared. That's a big, life-changing decision. I know I'll have a tough time dealing with it, if I decide to do it. I've also looked up one of the plastic surgeons that they referred me over to. Woohoo! I'm going to be a barbie doll!!!! I have faith everything will turn out well, but my stomach starting turning on all you gotta do to just look normal. And even then, will I even really look normal??!?!?!?!

Prior to my diagnosis, I had a few insecurities, which got heightened over the past year, but even more so now with having breast cancer. So, I can only imagine how I'm going to feel if I only have one boobie for awhile. I had recurring thoughts of getting out of the shower or changing & seeing one big scar, where something is missing. I see it looking so horrid in my head & it makes me feel ugly when I think of that. This is me over-analyzing it, but I have to give myself room to type what really goes on in my head. I worry about the future & how this is going to affect future relationships, friendships, marriage, children, etc. It all gets factored in. All that is already hard in itself & adding this on-top just makes it more overwhelming. It's frustrating to be told, everything will be fine, you'll find someone who will accept you or when they say their mom had it or their aunt, or whoever & "look at them." Exactly my point, THEY, not them, themselves. And "THEY" were probably older than me, maybe married with kids. Not 22, single, no kids. It's easy for them to think, if they did it, you can too. I know I can, but my struggle is a bit different. It's easier to hear it from a breast cancer survivor, opposed to someone who knows someone.

OK, another thought. If I get a mastectomy & let's say the cut skin from my stomach, how will that affect me having babies? My risk is already high, what if I can't carry my child? Thankfully, there's more you can do to have children, but I'd be so devastated if I couldn't even experience having a growing being in me. Gaaaaah!!! If only you could just have cancer, get treatment, & be good. HAHAHAHA, wouldn't that be nice? Unfortunately, it's not that way & we just get slapped with more shit to deal with.

Well, enough ranting for the time being. It felt good to just type my frustration away. Especially, with no one at the current moment that I could just run to, hug & let it all out. Sometimes, you just need a good hug, *le sigh.*

One last thing:

FUCK CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

I won't apologize for the cussing, or any type of offensive shit I might say, just cause I have every right to feel or think how I want, and right now, I'm angry with cancer & all the bullshit it comes with :).

Tootle-loo, motherfucker!