Tomorrow is the BIG day

I can't believe it's almost time. I'm pretty calm right now, but we shall see the next few days.

I am stoked thinking that in a couple months I can go back to "normal" even though it really won't be. But I can't wait for my changes. I might gain weight & even if I don't, I wanna get into the swing of working out. I'm pretty much in transformation, so why not continue with positive changes. Get rid of those chubby cheeks & small double chin, I don't wanna look like a little girl anymore.

I'm trying to not plan things, but just have goals to attain. I wanna live freely, not restrained by plans that usually never go as they should anyways.

Well, I'm feeling good, not as bummed as I have been with my last few posts.

:)

6 days

I'm totally judging myself too hard. FUCK! I'm feeling so self conscious about every-fucking-little thing. Life is scaring the shit out of me. Idk if I can do this.

One of those nights..

Where I can't help but think, WHY? Not just cancer, but why towards all the other things in my life. Not that I didn't have a good childhood, I did, under my circumstances. I don't usually admit it, but I always wondered what my life would've been like if I would've had a "typical" family structure. I know that families aren't perfect & even if you have an ideal, it's not like that. Yes, my Mom WAS my dad. Yes, my Tata was like my dad. Yes, my Uncles' were father figures to me. But at the end of the day, they weren't my biological father.

I don't normally "care" about this subject, since I don't know him, but maybe cause it was father's day, it got me thinking. It does give me this weird feeling seeing all these posts & photos of people with their dads & how great they are & what not. There were some points in my life where I yearned for that love. To be a daddy's girl, to have him wrapped around my finger, to protect me, to be one of those dads that says, "You hurt my daughter & your dead." I know it all sounds cheesy, but I've always said I like cheese.

I don't know the whole story, or even part of it, but I wanna know. For some reason, my mom doesn't wanna talk about it. I get it, but I am THE daughter & I think that if I wanna know, I should. My curiosity has risen since my diagnosis, & probably cause I keep getting asked about genetics. Well, how do I respond if I don't know half of what made me? It's tough. Does he know I exist? Is it true that I have siblings? Has he ever wanted to meet me, but couldn't for whatever reason? Or worse, not want anything to do with me. I've thought about tracking him down a few times, but idk how to go about it. I don't wanna upset my mom, ESPECIALLY during these tough times, but the curiosity kills me.

I love my mom to death. I appreciate everything she has done for me since the moment she found out she was pregnant, up to this very second. No one can ever match up to her. The struggles, the pain, the happiness, the laughter. But is it fair to me? Gah! Being in this situation sucks so bad.

Goodnight.

13 days

Until I start my chemo. Tomorrow I am going to cut my hair even shorter to get used to it. Probably the same week I start chemo I will be shaving my head. I hope I can get those moments captured..

Nothing new has really happened, just a bunch of doctor appointments & last minute exams. The next 13 days are pretty much booked with things to take care of & hopefully I'll have a break & just deal with ny treatment.

One year.

Amazed that it's been a year since my Tata died. I wonder sometimes that God said it was time & my Tata let go, cause they knew that my mom was going to have an additional focus. Like it was my Tata's way of taking care of us. I know he's my guardian angel & will continue protecting me.

Tata, please just give me the strength to focus on getting better & sending the right people for me.

I miss & love you

Beginning transition..

It's been 17 days since my surgery, dang..I've been meaning to type a post, but I keep forgetting. I figured today was a good day to post, since it was eventful.

First off, surgery went well. I got ny bilateral mastectomy, meaning they removed both breasts. They took out 23 lymph nodes from my right arm, 5 came back positive. If it's in the nodes, you have risk of metastasis, which can spread to another area in the body. Woo! How exciting, huh? This means I also gotta do radiation. On other note, it was a smart decision to remove the left breast, no signs of anything at this point, but they did find a cyst, which in the future could become cancerous. I beat you to it cancer!

As for today, I went to a "Look Good, Feel Better' session in EC. This program is provided by the American Cancer Society where they provide makeup kits & give you info on how to make yourself feel better when going through treatment. It was great & I was so happy & thankful to have attended. Unfortunately, after the session I went to the mall with my mom, but within 5 minutes of being there, my mood turned sour. I saw someone that I haven't seen in a very long time. Well, I still have some doubt it was that person, only cause they looked different, but I'm 90% sure that it was. I'm not sure if this person saw me or even recognized me (if they did see me that is). Maybe since my hair is shorter & have drains hanging on my side, I'm not as recognizable? Idk.. but it just made me feel uneasy. We didn't pass any exchanges, so maybe it wasn't that person, but who's to say if it was, that they would say hi. Oh well..

After that encounter, I had my chemo doc appointment. It's overwhelming getting told all this info on what's going to happen & coming to terms that in about 3-4 weeks that I'll be starting treatment. ESPECIALLY after what went on today, I was feeling down. The timing sucks!!! I see this person, wondering if they even know what's going on with me, I'm on my rag, today is a year since my Tata passed away, & getting this info.. UGH!!!!!

It's just unbelievable that I gotta go through this shit! What did I do wrong?!?! Did life really wanna give me another blow to the head? Life, just gimme a break, please! But.. I still have faith.. God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. Right?

It's so hard, but I put on my bravest face. And it bothers me when people don't let me vent, like, if I wanna be mad & complain about whatever, I fucking can.  Luckily, it only happens every now & then, but whatever, I have every right to feel anything at any moment, I guess. Just as long as it doesn't go on every day.

I say my prayers, please give me the strength, the will, the hope, to keep fighting. To keep going & kick ass.. to make it out of this alive & well.. to remain some normalcy after treatment.. to be able to find the right help.

Please..