One of those nights..

Where I can't help but think, WHY? Not just cancer, but why towards all the other things in my life. Not that I didn't have a good childhood, I did, under my circumstances. I don't usually admit it, but I always wondered what my life would've been like if I would've had a "typical" family structure. I know that families aren't perfect & even if you have an ideal, it's not like that. Yes, my Mom WAS my dad. Yes, my Tata was like my dad. Yes, my Uncles' were father figures to me. But at the end of the day, they weren't my biological father.

I don't normally "care" about this subject, since I don't know him, but maybe cause it was father's day, it got me thinking. It does give me this weird feeling seeing all these posts & photos of people with their dads & how great they are & what not. There were some points in my life where I yearned for that love. To be a daddy's girl, to have him wrapped around my finger, to protect me, to be one of those dads that says, "You hurt my daughter & your dead." I know it all sounds cheesy, but I've always said I like cheese.

I don't know the whole story, or even part of it, but I wanna know. For some reason, my mom doesn't wanna talk about it. I get it, but I am THE daughter & I think that if I wanna know, I should. My curiosity has risen since my diagnosis, & probably cause I keep getting asked about genetics. Well, how do I respond if I don't know half of what made me? It's tough. Does he know I exist? Is it true that I have siblings? Has he ever wanted to meet me, but couldn't for whatever reason? Or worse, not want anything to do with me. I've thought about tracking him down a few times, but idk how to go about it. I don't wanna upset my mom, ESPECIALLY during these tough times, but the curiosity kills me.

I love my mom to death. I appreciate everything she has done for me since the moment she found out she was pregnant, up to this very second. No one can ever match up to her. The struggles, the pain, the happiness, the laughter. But is it fair to me? Gah! Being in this situation sucks so bad.

Goodnight.