Beginning transition..

It's been 17 days since my surgery, dang..I've been meaning to type a post, but I keep forgetting. I figured today was a good day to post, since it was eventful.

First off, surgery went well. I got ny bilateral mastectomy, meaning they removed both breasts. They took out 23 lymph nodes from my right arm, 5 came back positive. If it's in the nodes, you have risk of metastasis, which can spread to another area in the body. Woo! How exciting, huh? This means I also gotta do radiation. On other note, it was a smart decision to remove the left breast, no signs of anything at this point, but they did find a cyst, which in the future could become cancerous. I beat you to it cancer!

As for today, I went to a "Look Good, Feel Better' session in EC. This program is provided by the American Cancer Society where they provide makeup kits & give you info on how to make yourself feel better when going through treatment. It was great & I was so happy & thankful to have attended. Unfortunately, after the session I went to the mall with my mom, but within 5 minutes of being there, my mood turned sour. I saw someone that I haven't seen in a very long time. Well, I still have some doubt it was that person, only cause they looked different, but I'm 90% sure that it was. I'm not sure if this person saw me or even recognized me (if they did see me that is). Maybe since my hair is shorter & have drains hanging on my side, I'm not as recognizable? Idk.. but it just made me feel uneasy. We didn't pass any exchanges, so maybe it wasn't that person, but who's to say if it was, that they would say hi. Oh well..

After that encounter, I had my chemo doc appointment. It's overwhelming getting told all this info on what's going to happen & coming to terms that in about 3-4 weeks that I'll be starting treatment. ESPECIALLY after what went on today, I was feeling down. The timing sucks!!! I see this person, wondering if they even know what's going on with me, I'm on my rag, today is a year since my Tata passed away, & getting this info.. UGH!!!!!

It's just unbelievable that I gotta go through this shit! What did I do wrong?!?! Did life really wanna give me another blow to the head? Life, just gimme a break, please! But.. I still have faith.. God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. Right?

It's so hard, but I put on my bravest face. And it bothers me when people don't let me vent, like, if I wanna be mad & complain about whatever, I fucking can.  Luckily, it only happens every now & then, but whatever, I have every right to feel anything at any moment, I guess. Just as long as it doesn't go on every day.

I say my prayers, please give me the strength, the will, the hope, to keep fighting. To keep going & kick ass.. to make it out of this alive & well.. to remain some normalcy after treatment.. to be able to find the right help.

Please..