Verlorio

My friend Vero passed away last week, 3/11/14. Tonight is the velorio. I've been bummed, but I know tonight I'm gonna break. I'm nervous..

I'll write a post another day..

http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/IVPressOnline/obituary.aspx?n=VERONICA-TORREZ&pid=170214087&referrer=1437&preview=True

Out of body, out of mind.

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I started the new meds. I gotta take them for 5, maybe 10 years. Yipee! Not. These meds make me not feel like myself. Too many side effects, but I'll mention the main ones.

Mood swings. Totally not me. One moment I'm ok, then I'm all snappy & what not. I try to control them to the best of my ability, but my mom thinks I'm not. Trust me, I'm trying.

Anxiety. It hasn't been too bad, but I get it mainly at night. I've been a bit stressed & exhausted, which I hate admitting, and I think that's adding to the anxiety. I committed to a lot this semester, forgetting I'm still not done with everything.

Insomnia. I go to sleep at like 2-3 a.m., wake up around 8/9 a.m. Even when I do sleep, I feel like I'm not rested. And the thing is I AM exhausted & want to sleep.

Depression. I'm having stints of it & I absolutely, fucking hate it. I can be with my loved ones & say a joke & laugh, but I feel so empty inside at the same time. Luckily, I'm making every attempt to be happy, cause this is the thing I don't want to get worse.

I criticize myself too much & when I stop myself, i get this feeling of why am I doing this to myself? I've always been organized, having a plan for everything, needing to be in control. Cancer took that away from me. Which can be looked at as both a good or bad thing. I've had all these plans, and now they seem so far away. I know eventually they'll happen, but not according to my plan. I have to stop judging myself. I'm my own worst critic and biggest enemy. It doesn't help when social media focuses on beauty & all that. I don't fit in those categories. I'm 23 with my boobs chopped off & plastic as boobs. How am i supposed to feel "beautiful?" This is probably the medicine talking, but fuck man, I feel like I have to fit in societies mold of what's acceptable. I gotta be happy all the time. Positive. Pretty. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. What's so wrong with not wanting to be strong all the time? I'm a fucking human being, riding an extremely, emotional roller coaster. LET ME BE!!! That's the thing that bothers me. I have to out this front on all the damn time. I'm not gonna always have it together. But just know that at the end of this shitty ride, I will see the light. I'm gonna prove to you & myself. It may seem contradicting, but you know what, it's not. And I truly think only people who have gone through something tragic like this, understand.

I feel so delirious & tired, I'm not sure if what I just typed is even grammatically correct. But you know what? Fuck it. It's my blog, it's my life.

Better Things

I'm on my way to better things
Your definition states that they're not here
I'm on my way to bigger things
I guess you wouldn't know since you're not here
It's not the friends you thought you had
Or your location on a map
It's what you feel in here

I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things
I wish you well
I'll be just fine

If I stay around I can feel alright
But I know there's something else out there for me

It's not the friends you thought you had
Or your location on a map
It's what you feel in here

I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things
I wish you well
I'll be just fine

Home is where you make it
And I'm not afraid to say it

I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things
I wish you well
I'll be just fine
I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGGFKc5ofYo 

Busy Bee

As you can probably tell, I haven't had a lot of time to write a new post. I was going through radiation, finished January 27th, started Spring semester (which has kept me on my toes!), and trying to have a social life. January was filled with a lot of going out with friends, which was so much fun! My friend Jon mentioned to me how it was only January & we've gone out a lot! I've also gone to 2 concerts, MxPx & Demi Lovato. I got to meet Mike Herrera from MxPx, he was so cool & he remembered me from Twitter, which I thought showed how genuine this guy is. February has gone by so fast, I guess it feels that way cause it's a short month. This month has been fun, but I've gotten some sad news. My uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I found out a childhood friend that I've known since kindergarten, was diagnosed with cancer too, not sure what kind yet. I say this over & over again, I HATE CANCER! FUCK CANCER! Though I hate it with a passion, I have to admit it has led me to do some incredible things and meet amazing people. I actually met with my support group coordinator today to do a training. I'll be joining her in talking to teenagers about early detection and health and all that good stuff. My hopes for this is that at least one of those student's takes the initiative to become aware of their bodies and advocate for themselves. It's so crucial to be aware of your own health and all the changes, so if you notice something different, you can get it checked out. I think I'm perfect for this, since I'm a young adult and not that long ago was I in a P.E. class in high school. I'm excited, yet nervous!

Well, this cancer chick is gonna try & catch some zZz's!

Reflection

It's amazing to think of how fast time has flown by. This year was by far the craziest of my life & it's almost about to end. Thank God!!! As much pain as I've endured this year, I have some great memories too. I saw Backstreet Boys & Justin Timberlake, highlight of my year & life! I've waited YEARS to see them & it finally happened. I got to ask BSB a question & answered it directly to me, AH!!! And JT literally was inches away from me. *Sigh* INCREDIBLE! Not only them but I went to plenty of other shows. Rihanna, Bruno, Katy Perry, Ellie Goulding, Sara Bareilles, Tegan & Sara, Kacey Musgraves, Jesse McCartney, DJ Pauly D. Anyone else that I'm missing? It's literally been a Pop music year for me. Being diagnosed took me back to being a little girl, listening to my favorite genre, Pop music. It made me feel normal again & took me back to the times when all I had to worry about was if my Barbie's hair would grow back. It didn't, haha.

Not only the shows I've gone too, but all those memories with my family and friends. It's brought me even closer to them, farther to some. But for those who've always been there before & the ones that this experience has got me closer to, THANK YOU! I can't even say in words what y'all mean to me. To those that walked away, fuck you too ;).

I'm hopeful for 2014. My bucket list is ready to get cut in half. I've done a few things on there, but 2014 I'm gonna complete even more. My friend Susie tagged me to a photo of a jar & each time you experience something good or fun, you write the memory, put it in the jar, & read it on 12/31/14. Neat, huh!

I get to finally graduate with my Bachelor's degree. Get back to working again. Volunteer. Travel. The list goes on & on. So much to experience in this world & I'm going to take advantage of it. I wanna do all this now, while I'm young & able to. I heard the other day, "There's always an excuse not to do something." I don't wanna be like that. I want to enjoy every little thing life has to offer NOW. I don't wanna put it off & be 80 years old & reflect back & think, "Damn!"

NEVER BETTER THAN NOW! Seize the day!

I'm ready to finish this chapter on my cancer journey & move to the next one..

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014!

Si tú me olvidas

QUIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti,
como si todo lo que existe,
aromas, luz, metales,
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien,
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco
el viento de banderas
que pasa por mi vida
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día,
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube
una flor a tus labios a buscarme,
ay amor mío, ay mía,
en mí todo ese fuego se repite,
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos
sin salir de los míos.

Death

This isn't a subject I've really talked a lot about. It has come to my mind, but I know in my heart I'll make it through this. But.. I've recently found out that my sister in the fight has been getting bad news. First that her breast cancer spread to her lungs, then colon, now liver, bones, neck & still some spots in her lungs.

It's scary. She has two small kids and a husband. I can't even fathom hearing those words from the doctor. It was the first time it was brought up... now that it has been spreading like crazy...

This is my first experience with it.. my lovely, tough friend... I just... idk... I know to some extent what it's like, but this is another ballpark. I just pray that God gives her & her family to keep fighting & that just cause she heard those words being a possibility, doesn't mean it will.

I have faith.