Interview

I have an interview this upcoming Thursday, 7/17/14. I'm so fucking nervous. It's been a good awhile since I've last worked or had an interview. And now it's after cancer. No long hair to somewhat hide behind. I fear being judged, not being good enough for the position, but I know that I'd excel in it. It's not too far off from what I did once.

But what I'm trying to say is that no matter how nonchalant I come across or how secure I may seem, I do have insecurities still. They gnaw at me when I'm having an off day. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin (if only that were possible). And then it turns into feelings of always getting the short end of the stick.

It's something I'm working on daily though. I try to look at the mirror & tell myself something positive. I know there are things I can't change & other things I can. I'm trying to find the motivation to do those, but some of them require money. I'm telling myself if I get the job I'll get a gym membership. Something I was always against, because why exercise when you got the outdoors and you can make your own equipment. Obviously that hasn't worked out great for me. I know if I start exercising I'll feel 100 times better about myself. I'm not looking to lose weight, but tone up, especially get rid of my double chin. I know people think I'm crazy, but I have it, there's no denying it.

Well, I'm getting a tad bit sidetracked. I just pray that I get this job, so I can start making money again & not have to rely on my parents to pay my bills. They've never had to pay my bills & I feel so lame! Since I started working at 17, if I wanted something, I could get it. I could pay my bills on my terms. This is too weird for me & I wanna feel self-sufficient in that way at least.

Wish me luck!

Keep Looking Where Your Eyes Are Looking Now

Well... it's been a bit over 2 months since my last post. Where do I even begin? SO MUCH has happened in the past 2 months, it's incredible. Since April 21st I've gone to Portland, Graduated, saw Gaga for the 4th time AND she read my sign & sang part of the song for Marry the Night!!!!!!! How fucking rad, right?!?!?! I have to admit though, I started ugly crying as soon as I heard her say, "What does that sign say?" Chills going through my body right now! One of the best moments of my entire 23 year old life. The fact that she knows of my existence is enough for me. Ok, I lied, if I meet her that will make it even better. Soon enough.

Besides all that cool stuff that happened, I recently started volunteering at Cancer Resource Center of the Desert (CRCD) & it's been such a great experience so far! I'm also semi-looking for jobs, but since I'm still waiting to have my reconstruction surgery, I'm not actively pursuing jobs. I'd hate to start working and then have to take time off. I'm also in the process of switching insurances and that's been a pain in my ass.

In news with my cancer, I felt something in my armpit, close to one of my incisions. Doc said it could possibly just be scar tissue, but I need to get my scans done to make sure. And since my primary insurance likes to lag & thing scans aren't important for a 23 year old breast cancer patient, I'm still waiting. It's been a month since I've seen him & it still hasn't been approved. WTF, dude! At least I'm changing insurances & hopefully won't be having these problems. It's so crucial for me to get the adequate care, because I am young and it's not normal, especially to have breast cancer. Time can't be wasted & unfortunately I feel like it is being wasted. That, or I'm just not as patient as I used to be (I'm not).

I always say this, but I hope I'm more active on my blog and not wait a month or two to jot down everything. It's really cool to look back and read what I was feeling at that moment. Anyways, thanks for reading!

The "Not Good Enough" Trap

This was the name of an article I read in my April issue of Glamour. It really resonated with me and I wish there was a way to show this to every woman who feels that way. Shouldn't what we do already be good enough? We need to stop picking ourselves apart and loving every part of our body, mind, & soul.

There's a part in the article I want to share:

"We have to make a change now, to let go of the "ideals" we've been taught to achieve, and to stop being ruled by fear. Fear of enjoying our food...or of allowing our bodies to be the size they want to be...or skipping the gym. And these fears aren't limited to weight; we also fear not being interesting enough or witty or funny or intelligent or strong enough. Basically, we're crippled by the fear of not being enough in general."

I try to stop myself whenever I feel like my mind is in that mindset. If I want to eat that burger and fries, then I'll let myself. If I want to exercise that day, so be it. I want to enjoy everything I do and not feel bad for eating this or that or not doing doing something. And I encourage whoever is reading this to do the same. Don't let fear take over your life. YOU are in control and you choose what YOU want. You're beautiful, funny, intelligent, witty, you're everything you want to be!

Inner Light

"Seeing through glamour is easy. It's people that are hard."

I read this while reading The Mortal Instruments, Book One: City of Bones and it really stuck with me. We live in a life where vanity takes the number one spot in our lives.I've learned a lot about beauty and myself this past year. I've struggled with my "new" looks, but I had to remind myself that the outside doesn't really matter. My beauty is within me and my inner light is what will shine through. I want people to know me from the inside, out. Peel back the layers and get to  know me in my true form. 

That's why I love blogging. I get to discuss my strengths, my fears, my worries, my pain, my anger, my everything. I may be talking to nobody on here, but that's what makes it special. It's my diary, but public diary. Maybe people do read it, maybe they don't, but all that matters is that I get to share my life on my terms. 

One of my favorite posts...

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3539970

Verlorio

My friend Vero passed away last week, 3/11/14. Tonight is the velorio. I've been bummed, but I know tonight I'm gonna break. I'm nervous..

I'll write a post another day..

http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/IVPressOnline/obituary.aspx?n=VERONICA-TORREZ&pid=170214087&referrer=1437&preview=True

Out of body, out of mind.

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I started the new meds. I gotta take them for 5, maybe 10 years. Yipee! Not. These meds make me not feel like myself. Too many side effects, but I'll mention the main ones.

Mood swings. Totally not me. One moment I'm ok, then I'm all snappy & what not. I try to control them to the best of my ability, but my mom thinks I'm not. Trust me, I'm trying.

Anxiety. It hasn't been too bad, but I get it mainly at night. I've been a bit stressed & exhausted, which I hate admitting, and I think that's adding to the anxiety. I committed to a lot this semester, forgetting I'm still not done with everything.

Insomnia. I go to sleep at like 2-3 a.m., wake up around 8/9 a.m. Even when I do sleep, I feel like I'm not rested. And the thing is I AM exhausted & want to sleep.

Depression. I'm having stints of it & I absolutely, fucking hate it. I can be with my loved ones & say a joke & laugh, but I feel so empty inside at the same time. Luckily, I'm making every attempt to be happy, cause this is the thing I don't want to get worse.

I criticize myself too much & when I stop myself, i get this feeling of why am I doing this to myself? I've always been organized, having a plan for everything, needing to be in control. Cancer took that away from me. Which can be looked at as both a good or bad thing. I've had all these plans, and now they seem so far away. I know eventually they'll happen, but not according to my plan. I have to stop judging myself. I'm my own worst critic and biggest enemy. It doesn't help when social media focuses on beauty & all that. I don't fit in those categories. I'm 23 with my boobs chopped off & plastic as boobs. How am i supposed to feel "beautiful?" This is probably the medicine talking, but fuck man, I feel like I have to fit in societies mold of what's acceptable. I gotta be happy all the time. Positive. Pretty. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. What's so wrong with not wanting to be strong all the time? I'm a fucking human being, riding an extremely, emotional roller coaster. LET ME BE!!! That's the thing that bothers me. I have to out this front on all the damn time. I'm not gonna always have it together. But just know that at the end of this shitty ride, I will see the light. I'm gonna prove to you & myself. It may seem contradicting, but you know what, it's not. And I truly think only people who have gone through something tragic like this, understand.

I feel so delirious & tired, I'm not sure if what I just typed is even grammatically correct. But you know what? Fuck it. It's my blog, it's my life.