It all has lead up to this..

<p dir=ltr>Greetings Earthlings.. the day has finally come. Surgery. It went by so slow, yet so fast. At the beginning of the year I was so stoked for all the changes that 2013 would bring; graduating SDSU with my BA, moving away to LA, being with my best friend, enjoying life. Now, I lay here on the day that would've been my graduation, the day before the physical changes begin, and just wonder. </p>
<p dir=ltr>My world had completely changed. I'm living with a life-threatening disease, but I won't dare let that stop me from living life. I won't lie, I've had my moments where I felt like giving up, I contemplated if all this was would be worth it. Answer is, yes, of course. I'm important, I matter. I've gotten knocked down, but I always get back up &amp; go at it again. Now with more passion cause my life is on the line.</p>
<p dir=ltr>As I face these changes, I wonder how I'm going to feel when I see who I will become. I am going to try my best to remain the same chick; be my loud, goofy, strange, awkward, courageous, brave, BEAUTIFUL, Warrior Queen, self. It won't be easy, &amp; I'll have huge hurdles to climb, but mark my word, you're gonna see me succeed. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Now with this staring at me straight in the eyes, I have a few hopes &amp; dreams for my future. I want to get better & be healthy. I'm going to work hard at getting a nice booty, to make up not having boobies for awhile. I also hope to lose my baby fat on my face, the chubby cheeks & double chin. I want to look like my 22 year old self, not when I was 2. I want to graduate by Spring 2014. Next, I hope to move away, find myself, volunteer, & find a job that I absolutely love doing. I know I'd be perfect in the realm of helping others in similar situations as mine. Then one day I hope & pray that God sends me the best man for me. That when he sees me, his eyes see past the physical aspect & sees my strength, courage, bravery & admires me & gets inspired to live life to the fullest. The ULTIMATE wish is to get married & have lots of babies. Out of everything I mentioned, this is the most important.. creating a family of my own. The most special thing anyone can experience. I pray that I get to live that beautiful life, happily. Live a long, satisfied life, so when I'm old, I can look at my husband sitting next to me outside & see our grandchildren playing in the yard, enjoying the gorgeous wonders on this Earth.

Now THAT'S the life right there..

Photo shoot madness!

On Sunday & Monday my lovely cousin, Lupita, took some shots of me. Sunday's shoot was geared towards capturing me, the person that made me who I am today. We took some amazing shots in front of my house, some at my Tata's gravesite (my favorite), at the park & other Holtville spots. They looked so good on camera! I was surprised how I didn't look as awkward as I envisioned.

As for Monday's shoot, they were topless photos, done tastefully of course. I want to remember what those were.. what they have done for me, where they brought me. And those were amazing to see! My Nana & Mom helped out & encouraged the shoot, surprisingly!

Once i get the final photos, I'll post a few. Not sure about the topless ones, those are more for me, but we shall see..

In other news, today I cut my hair & I am going to donate it. It's weird having hair this short!! I haven't had it at this length since I was.. 5? Quite a few years! But I did this to prepare myself for the BIG cut, buzzing it off. At least I get to enjoy a month or so with hair this length!

Irritated

I wish certain people could see how ridiculous they look. It's pretty clear that even if you have cancer, it's not going to change the mindset of others. You can't even put aside your shit, what no, stop doing that shit, to support ME? The hell is up with that?

You really know who's there for you, especially during a time like this. I KNOW who really would be there at the end & I've just stopped wasting my time with certain people. The fact that YOU think I need to keep up with you - fucking insane! All this, "I'm here if you need me" & all kinds of other crap, is just useless. No, you won't be there for me. You weren't there before, you won't be there now. It's stupid for someone to say that.

I honestly don't have the energy to be dealing with this. I'm going to look out for me, cause at the end of the road, it's going to be me standing alone. And if that means you getting butt-hurt cause I haven't contacted you, well frankly my dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

Changes

"I am lost in the see-through. I think you lost yourself too. Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practiced all the things I'd say to tell you how I feel. And when I finally get my chance it all seems so surreal. Cause from the first time I saw you I only thought about you. I didn't know you I wanted to hold on to the things you'd never say to me."

That song popped in my head.

Well today was my last day at work. It feels odd knowing I won't be back. If at the end of all this, I can go back, cool. If not, on to what I'm meant to do in life. Help others in similar positions, like me. I know it's so soon to be thinking that, but it's something to look forward to.

The future. The unknown. The uncertainty. It's a lot to take in at any age. Imagine at 22 years old, already having to deal with normal pressures that "society" has placed. Now add cancer to the equation. Yeah, not so fun. It sucks.

I think sometimes I'm so numb to this, because deep down I'm used to disappointment. I've learned to just take those punches life has thrown at me over the years. Don't get me wrong, I had a good childhood, a loving mom & grandparents. I was a good student. But in the back of my head, I was always second to the world. Or should I say last?

I've always felt like a wallflower. I felt invisible. I'm always having to remind people who I am. For the majority of my time in school I was known as "Bianca's cousin." They'd forget my name or if someone didn't recognize me by Alex, that was what was used. And even outside of school I was "Martina's daughter." THEN, when I was with Raymond, I was "Raymond's girlfriend." See, always in the shadow of someone else. It's tiring & annoying. Yeah, I have some blame in the fact that I was comfortable being in the background. But REALLY, can you blame me? Even if I tried to "make a name for myself" I never succeeded.

It bugs me when people get mad at me for feeling that way. I'm sorry that your a bitch & have no emotions. NO. That you try to act all tough, but inside you're probably worse than me? Yes. See, it's all a facade for you, but at least I'm in touch with all those emotions & can see logically about them. If I do something different from what I think, that's another story. It's not being hypocritical, it's just me noticing that, yeah, I am doing this or that, but I can recognize those things.

Well, I just noticed that I keep jumping from thought to thought. That's just how my brain is as of late and it might not help that I'm exhausted and it's 1 a.m. Oh well, I gotta jot down what I'm feeling just so I won't go crazy.

Goodnight.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after..

Watch "Brand New - Jesus (Live From Studio) ft. Kevin Devine" on YouTube

In-Between

Time is ticking & surgery is SOON. I'm glad about that, but I'm starting to get really nervous & scared. The last minute details, make enjoying these last few moments kind of tough. I want to relax and luckily this Friday is my last working day. As far as I know, I have a job when I'm ready, but who knows with all the changes.

I did the relay for life in Brawley and it was great! Met lots of new folks, shared stories, and fought for a cause. Can't wait to do more of them in the future!!

This past weekend I went to San Diego to do a photo shoot for Shirts For A Cure. Photographer, Mark Beemer, founder of SFAC & the Sryentha J.  Savio Endowment, was there along with some of his awesome team of help! They were so gracious & kind to include me & my friend Adan, for something so rad. Please, if you haven't already, go check them out at http://www.syrentha.org & once I get the photos will definitely post a few so y'all can all see.

As I prepare for what's to come, some of my wishes are to obviously get better & stronger, retain somewhat of a normal, 22 year old life, AND go to a few shows. Not much, right?

FUCK CANCER!!!!!