Changes

"I am lost in the see-through. I think you lost yourself too. Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practiced all the things I'd say to tell you how I feel. And when I finally get my chance it all seems so surreal. Cause from the first time I saw you I only thought about you. I didn't know you I wanted to hold on to the things you'd never say to me."

That song popped in my head.

Well today was my last day at work. It feels odd knowing I won't be back. If at the end of all this, I can go back, cool. If not, on to what I'm meant to do in life. Help others in similar positions, like me. I know it's so soon to be thinking that, but it's something to look forward to.

The future. The unknown. The uncertainty. It's a lot to take in at any age. Imagine at 22 years old, already having to deal with normal pressures that "society" has placed. Now add cancer to the equation. Yeah, not so fun. It sucks.

I think sometimes I'm so numb to this, because deep down I'm used to disappointment. I've learned to just take those punches life has thrown at me over the years. Don't get me wrong, I had a good childhood, a loving mom & grandparents. I was a good student. But in the back of my head, I was always second to the world. Or should I say last?

I've always felt like a wallflower. I felt invisible. I'm always having to remind people who I am. For the majority of my time in school I was known as "Bianca's cousin." They'd forget my name or if someone didn't recognize me by Alex, that was what was used. And even outside of school I was "Martina's daughter." THEN, when I was with Raymond, I was "Raymond's girlfriend." See, always in the shadow of someone else. It's tiring & annoying. Yeah, I have some blame in the fact that I was comfortable being in the background. But REALLY, can you blame me? Even if I tried to "make a name for myself" I never succeeded.

It bugs me when people get mad at me for feeling that way. I'm sorry that your a bitch & have no emotions. NO. That you try to act all tough, but inside you're probably worse than me? Yes. See, it's all a facade for you, but at least I'm in touch with all those emotions & can see logically about them. If I do something different from what I think, that's another story. It's not being hypocritical, it's just me noticing that, yeah, I am doing this or that, but I can recognize those things.

Well, I just noticed that I keep jumping from thought to thought. That's just how my brain is as of late and it might not help that I'm exhausted and it's 1 a.m. Oh well, I gotta jot down what I'm feeling just so I won't go crazy.

Goodnight.