Photo shoot madness!

On Sunday & Monday my lovely cousin, Lupita, took some shots of me. Sunday's shoot was geared towards capturing me, the person that made me who I am today. We took some amazing shots in front of my house, some at my Tata's gravesite (my favorite), at the park & other Holtville spots. They looked so good on camera! I was surprised how I didn't look as awkward as I envisioned.

As for Monday's shoot, they were topless photos, done tastefully of course. I want to remember what those were.. what they have done for me, where they brought me. And those were amazing to see! My Nana & Mom helped out & encouraged the shoot, surprisingly!

Once i get the final photos, I'll post a few. Not sure about the topless ones, those are more for me, but we shall see..

In other news, today I cut my hair & I am going to donate it. It's weird having hair this short!! I haven't had it at this length since I was.. 5? Quite a few years! But I did this to prepare myself for the BIG cut, buzzing it off. At least I get to enjoy a month or so with hair this length!

Irritated

I wish certain people could see how ridiculous they look. It's pretty clear that even if you have cancer, it's not going to change the mindset of others. You can't even put aside your shit, what no, stop doing that shit, to support ME? The hell is up with that?

You really know who's there for you, especially during a time like this. I KNOW who really would be there at the end & I've just stopped wasting my time with certain people. The fact that YOU think I need to keep up with you - fucking insane! All this, "I'm here if you need me" & all kinds of other crap, is just useless. No, you won't be there for me. You weren't there before, you won't be there now. It's stupid for someone to say that.

I honestly don't have the energy to be dealing with this. I'm going to look out for me, cause at the end of the road, it's going to be me standing alone. And if that means you getting butt-hurt cause I haven't contacted you, well frankly my dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

Changes

"I am lost in the see-through. I think you lost yourself too. Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practiced all the things I'd say to tell you how I feel. And when I finally get my chance it all seems so surreal. Cause from the first time I saw you I only thought about you. I didn't know you I wanted to hold on to the things you'd never say to me."

That song popped in my head.

Well today was my last day at work. It feels odd knowing I won't be back. If at the end of all this, I can go back, cool. If not, on to what I'm meant to do in life. Help others in similar positions, like me. I know it's so soon to be thinking that, but it's something to look forward to.

The future. The unknown. The uncertainty. It's a lot to take in at any age. Imagine at 22 years old, already having to deal with normal pressures that "society" has placed. Now add cancer to the equation. Yeah, not so fun. It sucks.

I think sometimes I'm so numb to this, because deep down I'm used to disappointment. I've learned to just take those punches life has thrown at me over the years. Don't get me wrong, I had a good childhood, a loving mom & grandparents. I was a good student. But in the back of my head, I was always second to the world. Or should I say last?

I've always felt like a wallflower. I felt invisible. I'm always having to remind people who I am. For the majority of my time in school I was known as "Bianca's cousin." They'd forget my name or if someone didn't recognize me by Alex, that was what was used. And even outside of school I was "Martina's daughter." THEN, when I was with Raymond, I was "Raymond's girlfriend." See, always in the shadow of someone else. It's tiring & annoying. Yeah, I have some blame in the fact that I was comfortable being in the background. But REALLY, can you blame me? Even if I tried to "make a name for myself" I never succeeded.

It bugs me when people get mad at me for feeling that way. I'm sorry that your a bitch & have no emotions. NO. That you try to act all tough, but inside you're probably worse than me? Yes. See, it's all a facade for you, but at least I'm in touch with all those emotions & can see logically about them. If I do something different from what I think, that's another story. It's not being hypocritical, it's just me noticing that, yeah, I am doing this or that, but I can recognize those things.

Well, I just noticed that I keep jumping from thought to thought. That's just how my brain is as of late and it might not help that I'm exhausted and it's 1 a.m. Oh well, I gotta jot down what I'm feeling just so I won't go crazy.

Goodnight.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after..

Watch "Brand New - Jesus (Live From Studio) ft. Kevin Devine" on YouTube

In-Between

Time is ticking & surgery is SOON. I'm glad about that, but I'm starting to get really nervous & scared. The last minute details, make enjoying these last few moments kind of tough. I want to relax and luckily this Friday is my last working day. As far as I know, I have a job when I'm ready, but who knows with all the changes.

I did the relay for life in Brawley and it was great! Met lots of new folks, shared stories, and fought for a cause. Can't wait to do more of them in the future!!

This past weekend I went to San Diego to do a photo shoot for Shirts For A Cure. Photographer, Mark Beemer, founder of SFAC & the Sryentha J.  Savio Endowment, was there along with some of his awesome team of help! They were so gracious & kind to include me & my friend Adan, for something so rad. Please, if you haven't already, go check them out at http://www.syrentha.org & once I get the photos will definitely post a few so y'all can all see.

As I prepare for what's to come, some of my wishes are to obviously get better & stronger, retain somewhat of a normal, 22 year old life, AND go to a few shows. Not much, right?

FUCK CANCER!!!!!

One of those nights..

I can't sleep. My mind is running on hopeless thoughts & useless memories. I'm calling my doctor's today to hopefully get a surgery date. I've already confirmed to myself what I'm going to do. Double mastectomy. Wow. I would have never in a million crazy thoughts, would ever think that something like this would  happen to ME. That at 22 years old, I would be facing the thoughts of removing my breasts. I know they don't define who I am, but jeeze.. what a crazy life. I was planning ideas of where to move & live, but now I'm planning what's the best thing to do for me. What will minimize MY risk of cancer coming up elsewhere. So much life ahead of me & I have to live through a torturous nightmare. I will shine. I will succeed. I will beat the living hell out of cancer. I'M A WARRIOR QUEEN.

"Yeah, you've been dealt a bad hand. Placed against a stacked deck
Been through all the cat scans and bad checks
But I slashed your debt. Not your wrists
And I couldn't help with anything else that became cancerous..

It's been a hell of a year
You said that I ain't there, I ain't care, and life ain't fair
It's been a hell of a trip."

A little bit caught in the middle..

What a hell of a week! Went up to San Diego back to back for doctor appointments. Work was insanely busy. My goddaughter has been ill for almost a week & took 3 trips to the ER for her to be sent to the children's hospital (which pissed me off). Unbelievable that they couldn't recognize something the 1st time. I'll even give them the 2nd time. My dad's brother is also in the hospital in the ICU, but looks like he's doing fine at the present time. Just give us a break, jeeze.

Back to my doctor appointments.. my surgical oncologist stated he would not feel comfortable if he didn't remove the right breast. Not doing so, he wouldn't be confident in saying the margins are clear. As for the left breast, nothing shows at this moment, but scans can only show when it's cancer is at a certain size. There are billions of cells and even just half of your pinky nail, cancer wouldn't show up on a scan. I could be totally fine in that breast, i also could not be. And in my case, only being 22 & having cancer, it's likely I could develop it in the left one some day in the future. He told me it's up to me what I wanna do, but to also talk with the plastic surgeon to see what he recommends. The plastic surgeon HIGHLY recommended removing the left one. Not just vanity reasons, but for the occurrence & do I really wanna have to go through this again?

So, that's why I'm caught in the middle. I'm still considering all my options in what is best for ME. I'm leaning towards both, but I haven't fully decided. It's a terrifying, long procedure, that will happen in stages. Of course removing both means if I have children, no breastfeeding. That sucks! I know that isn't the only way to bond, but fuck.. so many things I may not be able to experience cause of this stupid shit. I'm going to kick cancers ass so fucking hard, it's going to regret even fucking with me & messing up everything. BUT it's not going to stop my dreams. You wait & see.

Which brings me to another thing. There are a few things I need to clear up before I have surgery (I don't have a date yet, but should be within the next few weeks). It's in NO WAY thinking that I'm going to die, though, so please refrain from thinking that. But I am facing a life threatening disease & I just don't want to have all these things in the back of my head. I want to feel free from these thoughts & feelings. Whether it's confronting some people or doing things that will release me, I gotta do this for me.

I guess we'll see what will happen..