For the past 2 weeks I've been feeling extremely romantic. It all started when we came back from Ensenada & I downloaded Aaliyah onto my iPod. It was Sunday Night Slow Jams & you know how that goes! I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just I've been in a romantic mode as of late.
I know I've talked about love before, but I haven't really put too much thought or effort into it. I think I'm ready to put myself out there & possibly date. WOW! What a shocker, eh? I think it's time. It's been well over 2 years since my last relationship & I did like someone (sorta?) before I got sick, but we won't talk about that.. Before I got sick, I just wanted to focus on me, myself, & I. I had forgotten who I was, so after a stint of minor depression, I picked myself up & moved forward. And well, then I got sick, so really, there's no time to even think of meeting someone.
One reason why I'd love to date now, is for the fact that I want to put to use what I learned during my time of solitude. Did I really learn from my past? I say yes, but how can I know for sure if I don't put it to use.
Anyway, love has been in the air for my friends & it's really catching on to me. Who knows, maybe there's someone destined to pop into my life soon. We shall see..
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
63
63 is the odds of me living a long life. Crazy. It's not a terrible number, but it's not the ideal percentage I'd like. I see this number in a form of a grade, I'm a D- in this fucked up world. I'm technically failing at life, no? Not going to lie, but when I went to the doctor yesterday & he went over everything, this blew me out of the water. So surreal seeing those things in print. You imagine it, but once you see it, it's a different ball game. I pray with all my being that I get the chance to live a long, relatively healthy, life...
The next thing I wanted to talk about was death. We got the news about 2 weeks ago that my uncle decided to go into hospice. He has pancreatic cancer & it's spreading & the chemo isn't working. This sucks. Cancer sucks. Dying sucks. But dying is a side effect from cancer... Luckily, with hospice, he won't have to worry so much about the horrible pain he has to experience & he can pass on somewhat comfortable. My parent's & other uncle went to visit him & I stayed with my nana. I wanted to say goodbye one last time face to face, but my nana didn't want to go. It hurts her too much. I've been wanting to at least call him & speak with him while he still can & tell him how much I love him & what a great man he is. But I haven't been able to do it. I'm scared. I'm sad.
FUCK CANCER!
The next thing I wanted to talk about was death. We got the news about 2 weeks ago that my uncle decided to go into hospice. He has pancreatic cancer & it's spreading & the chemo isn't working. This sucks. Cancer sucks. Dying sucks. But dying is a side effect from cancer... Luckily, with hospice, he won't have to worry so much about the horrible pain he has to experience & he can pass on somewhat comfortable. My parent's & other uncle went to visit him & I stayed with my nana. I wanted to say goodbye one last time face to face, but my nana didn't want to go. It hurts her too much. I've been wanting to at least call him & speak with him while he still can & tell him how much I love him & what a great man he is. But I haven't been able to do it. I'm scared. I'm sad.
FUCK CANCER!
Friday, July 11, 2014
Interview
I have an interview this upcoming Thursday, 7/17/14. I'm so fucking nervous. It's been a good awhile since I've last worked or had an interview. And now it's after cancer. No long hair to somewhat hide behind. I fear being judged, not being good enough for the position, but I know that I'd excel in it. It's not too far off from what I did once.
But what I'm trying to say is that no matter how nonchalant I come across or how secure I may seem, I do have insecurities still. They gnaw at me when I'm having an off day. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin (if only that were possible). And then it turns into feelings of always getting the short end of the stick.
It's something I'm working on daily though. I try to look at the mirror & tell myself something positive. I know there are things I can't change & other things I can. I'm trying to find the motivation to do those, but some of them require money. I'm telling myself if I get the job I'll get a gym membership. Something I was always against, because why exercise when you got the outdoors and you can make your own equipment. Obviously that hasn't worked out great for me. I know if I start exercising I'll feel 100 times better about myself. I'm not looking to lose weight, but tone up, especially get rid of my double chin. I know people think I'm crazy, but I have it, there's no denying it.
Well, I'm getting a tad bit sidetracked. I just pray that I get this job, so I can start making money again & not have to rely on my parents to pay my bills. They've never had to pay my bills & I feel so lame! Since I started working at 17, if I wanted something, I could get it. I could pay my bills on my terms. This is too weird for me & I wanna feel self-sufficient in that way at least.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Keep Looking Where Your Eyes Are Looking Now
Well... it's been a bit over 2 months since my last post. Where do I even begin? SO MUCH has happened in the past 2 months, it's incredible. Since April 21st I've gone to Portland, Graduated, saw Gaga for the 4th time AND she read my sign & sang part of the song for Marry the Night!!!!!!! How fucking rad, right?!?!?! I have to admit though, I started ugly crying as soon as I heard her say, "What does that sign say?" Chills going through my body right now! One of the best moments of my entire 23 year old life. The fact that she knows of my existence is enough for me. Ok, I lied, if I meet her that will make it even better. Soon enough.
Besides all that cool stuff that happened, I recently started volunteering at Cancer Resource Center of the Desert (CRCD) & it's been such a great experience so far! I'm also semi-looking for jobs, but since I'm still waiting to have my reconstruction surgery, I'm not actively pursuing jobs. I'd hate to start working and then have to take time off. I'm also in the process of switching insurances and that's been a pain in my ass.
In news with my cancer, I felt something in my armpit, close to one of my incisions. Doc said it could possibly just be scar tissue, but I need to get my scans done to make sure. And since my primary insurance likes to lag & thing scans aren't important for a 23 year old breast cancer patient, I'm still waiting. It's been a month since I've seen him & it still hasn't been approved. WTF, dude! At least I'm changing insurances & hopefully won't be having these problems. It's so crucial for me to get the adequate care, because I am young and it's not normal, especially to have breast cancer. Time can't be wasted & unfortunately I feel like it is being wasted. That, or I'm just not as patient as I used to be (I'm not).
I always say this, but I hope I'm more active on my blog and not wait a month or two to jot down everything. It's really cool to look back and read what I was feeling at that moment. Anyways, thanks for reading!
Besides all that cool stuff that happened, I recently started volunteering at Cancer Resource Center of the Desert (CRCD) & it's been such a great experience so far! I'm also semi-looking for jobs, but since I'm still waiting to have my reconstruction surgery, I'm not actively pursuing jobs. I'd hate to start working and then have to take time off. I'm also in the process of switching insurances and that's been a pain in my ass.
In news with my cancer, I felt something in my armpit, close to one of my incisions. Doc said it could possibly just be scar tissue, but I need to get my scans done to make sure. And since my primary insurance likes to lag & thing scans aren't important for a 23 year old breast cancer patient, I'm still waiting. It's been a month since I've seen him & it still hasn't been approved. WTF, dude! At least I'm changing insurances & hopefully won't be having these problems. It's so crucial for me to get the adequate care, because I am young and it's not normal, especially to have breast cancer. Time can't be wasted & unfortunately I feel like it is being wasted. That, or I'm just not as patient as I used to be (I'm not).
I always say this, but I hope I'm more active on my blog and not wait a month or two to jot down everything. It's really cool to look back and read what I was feeling at that moment. Anyways, thanks for reading!
Monday, April 21, 2014
The "Not Good Enough" Trap
This was the name of an article I read in my April issue of Glamour. It really resonated with me and I wish there was a way to show this to every woman who feels that way. Shouldn't what we do already be good enough? We need to stop picking ourselves apart and loving every part of our body, mind, & soul.
There's a part in the article I want to share:
There's a part in the article I want to share:
"We have to make a change now, to let go of the "ideals" we've been taught to achieve, and to stop being ruled by fear. Fear of enjoying our food...or of allowing our bodies to be the size they want to be...or skipping the gym. And these fears aren't limited to weight; we also fear not being interesting enough or witty or funny or intelligent or strong enough. Basically, we're crippled by the fear of not being enough in general."
I try to stop myself whenever I feel like my mind is in that mindset. If I want to eat that burger and fries, then I'll let myself. If I want to exercise that day, so be it. I want to enjoy everything I do and not feel bad for eating this or that or not doing doing something. And I encourage whoever is reading this to do the same. Don't let fear take over your life. YOU are in control and you choose what YOU want. You're beautiful, funny, intelligent, witty, you're everything you want to be!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Inner Light
"Seeing through glamour is easy. It's people that are hard."
I read this while reading The Mortal Instruments, Book One: City of Bones and it really stuck with me. We live in a life where vanity takes the number one spot in our lives.I've learned a lot about beauty and myself this past year. I've struggled with my "new" looks, but I had to remind myself that the outside doesn't really matter. My beauty is within me and my inner light is what will shine through. I want people to know me from the inside, out. Peel back the layers and get to know me in my true form.
That's why I love blogging. I get to discuss my strengths, my fears, my worries, my pain, my anger, my everything. I may be talking to nobody on here, but that's what makes it special. It's my diary, but public diary. Maybe people do read it, maybe they don't, but all that matters is that I get to share my life on my terms.
I read this while reading The Mortal Instruments, Book One: City of Bones and it really stuck with me. We live in a life where vanity takes the number one spot in our lives.I've learned a lot about beauty and myself this past year. I've struggled with my "new" looks, but I had to remind myself that the outside doesn't really matter. My beauty is within me and my inner light is what will shine through. I want people to know me from the inside, out. Peel back the layers and get to know me in my true form.
That's why I love blogging. I get to discuss my strengths, my fears, my worries, my pain, my anger, my everything. I may be talking to nobody on here, but that's what makes it special. It's my diary, but public diary. Maybe people do read it, maybe they don't, but all that matters is that I get to share my life on my terms.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
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