We Shall Be Free

Well... my uncle/nino passed away 8/18/14 from pancreatic cancer. His services were last week & it was very emotional for me. I do find comfort in knowing he's no longer suffering & in peace, whilst being reunited with his loved ones. Fortunately, he was able to plan out his funeral his way. It was a beautiful service & I know he was looking down & smiling down at us. And I'm sure he was laughing that wonderful, contagious laugh of his during the funny moments that happened.

But, all this happened at a weird time. The day before his funeral, I went to the doc & he told me I'm in remission. My scans came out good, not perfect, but good. I'll take what I can get! But more on that in a future post..

Obviously, life doesn't slow down for anyone. The past 2 years have been crazy for my family. One hit after the other. I would really like to have good news from now on..PLEASE!!!!! Our family needs it!

I have other things I want to talk about, but I just wanted to keep this sorta short & I'm really not in the mood to write. So, I'm just filling you in.

Running On Empty

I haven't been feeling to great lately, but I try my best to keep a smile on & move forward. I've been so exhausted lately, but I feel if I even say that I am people won't believe me. As if you need to be bald to look or feel sick. One of the worst parts of cancer is the aftermath, even though technically I'm not officially in remission. It's difficult to move on from it and figure out your next step. I did my pet scan on Tuesday & now we wait for those results. I'm nervous as hell & I think that's why I've been so tired & feeling moody. Well that & probably my meds is what's causing all of these emotions. I do feel a bit empty right now & feeling self-conscious isn't helping me either. Luckily I'm not allowing myself to sulk into a deep depression. I started exercising & I hope I start to see some results physically, emotionally, & mentally.

LIFE IS REALLY UNFAIR

 Ugh, I'm just so angry with life sometimes! I'm looking for jobs, no luck. I keep having dreams of getting married & having children & I feel like it's haunting me. It's breaking my heart.. I want that normal life, whatever it is, but I want my normal. I want to fast-forward to 10 years from now & see where I'm at. I pray to God that I'm alive, married, babies running around, a steady job that I love. If only..

Hopeless Romantic

For the past 2 weeks I've been feeling extremely romantic. It all started when we came back from Ensenada & I downloaded Aaliyah onto my iPod. It was Sunday Night Slow Jams & you know how that goes! I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just I've been in a romantic mode as of late. 

I know I've talked about love before, but I haven't really put too much thought or effort into it. I think I'm ready to put myself out there & possibly date. WOW! What a shocker, eh? I think it's time. It's been well over 2 years since my last relationship & I did like someone (sorta?) before I got sick, but we won't talk about that.. Before I got sick, I just wanted to focus on me, myself, & I. I had forgotten who I was, so after a stint of minor depression, I picked myself up & moved forward. And well, then I got sick, so really, there's no time to even think of meeting someone.

One reason why I'd love to date now, is for the fact that I want to put to use what I learned during my time of solitude. Did I really learn from my past? I say yes, but how can I know for sure if I don't put it to use.

Anyway, love has been in the air for my friends & it's really catching on to me. Who knows, maybe there's someone destined to pop into my life soon. We shall see..

63

63 is the odds of me living a long life. Crazy. It's not a terrible number, but it's not the ideal percentage I'd like. I see this number in a form of a grade, I'm a D- in this fucked up world. I'm technically failing at life, no? Not going to lie, but when I went to the doctor yesterday & he went over everything, this blew me out of the water. So surreal seeing those things in print. You imagine it, but once you see it, it's a different ball game. I pray with all my being that I get the chance to live a long, relatively healthy, life...

The next thing I wanted to talk about was death. We got the news about 2 weeks ago that my uncle decided to go into hospice. He has pancreatic cancer & it's spreading & the chemo isn't working. This sucks. Cancer sucks. Dying sucks. But dying is a side effect from cancer... Luckily, with hospice, he won't have to worry so much about the horrible pain he has to experience & he can pass on somewhat comfortable. My parent's & other uncle went to visit him & I stayed with my nana. I wanted to say goodbye one last time face to face, but my nana didn't want to go. It hurts her too much. I've been wanting to at least call him & speak with him while he still can & tell him how much I love him & what a great man he is. But I haven't been able to do it. I'm scared. I'm sad.

FUCK CANCER!

Interview

I have an interview this upcoming Thursday, 7/17/14. I'm so fucking nervous. It's been a good awhile since I've last worked or had an interview. And now it's after cancer. No long hair to somewhat hide behind. I fear being judged, not being good enough for the position, but I know that I'd excel in it. It's not too far off from what I did once.

But what I'm trying to say is that no matter how nonchalant I come across or how secure I may seem, I do have insecurities still. They gnaw at me when I'm having an off day. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin (if only that were possible). And then it turns into feelings of always getting the short end of the stick.

It's something I'm working on daily though. I try to look at the mirror & tell myself something positive. I know there are things I can't change & other things I can. I'm trying to find the motivation to do those, but some of them require money. I'm telling myself if I get the job I'll get a gym membership. Something I was always against, because why exercise when you got the outdoors and you can make your own equipment. Obviously that hasn't worked out great for me. I know if I start exercising I'll feel 100 times better about myself. I'm not looking to lose weight, but tone up, especially get rid of my double chin. I know people think I'm crazy, but I have it, there's no denying it.

Well, I'm getting a tad bit sidetracked. I just pray that I get this job, so I can start making money again & not have to rely on my parents to pay my bills. They've never had to pay my bills & I feel so lame! Since I started working at 17, if I wanted something, I could get it. I could pay my bills on my terms. This is too weird for me & I wanna feel self-sufficient in that way at least.

Wish me luck!

Keep Looking Where Your Eyes Are Looking Now

Well... it's been a bit over 2 months since my last post. Where do I even begin? SO MUCH has happened in the past 2 months, it's incredible. Since April 21st I've gone to Portland, Graduated, saw Gaga for the 4th time AND she read my sign & sang part of the song for Marry the Night!!!!!!! How fucking rad, right?!?!?! I have to admit though, I started ugly crying as soon as I heard her say, "What does that sign say?" Chills going through my body right now! One of the best moments of my entire 23 year old life. The fact that she knows of my existence is enough for me. Ok, I lied, if I meet her that will make it even better. Soon enough.

Besides all that cool stuff that happened, I recently started volunteering at Cancer Resource Center of the Desert (CRCD) & it's been such a great experience so far! I'm also semi-looking for jobs, but since I'm still waiting to have my reconstruction surgery, I'm not actively pursuing jobs. I'd hate to start working and then have to take time off. I'm also in the process of switching insurances and that's been a pain in my ass.

In news with my cancer, I felt something in my armpit, close to one of my incisions. Doc said it could possibly just be scar tissue, but I need to get my scans done to make sure. And since my primary insurance likes to lag & thing scans aren't important for a 23 year old breast cancer patient, I'm still waiting. It's been a month since I've seen him & it still hasn't been approved. WTF, dude! At least I'm changing insurances & hopefully won't be having these problems. It's so crucial for me to get the adequate care, because I am young and it's not normal, especially to have breast cancer. Time can't be wasted & unfortunately I feel like it is being wasted. That, or I'm just not as patient as I used to be (I'm not).

I always say this, but I hope I'm more active on my blog and not wait a month or two to jot down everything. It's really cool to look back and read what I was feeling at that moment. Anyways, thanks for reading!

The "Not Good Enough" Trap

This was the name of an article I read in my April issue of Glamour. It really resonated with me and I wish there was a way to show this to every woman who feels that way. Shouldn't what we do already be good enough? We need to stop picking ourselves apart and loving every part of our body, mind, & soul.

There's a part in the article I want to share:

"We have to make a change now, to let go of the "ideals" we've been taught to achieve, and to stop being ruled by fear. Fear of enjoying our food...or of allowing our bodies to be the size they want to be...or skipping the gym. And these fears aren't limited to weight; we also fear not being interesting enough or witty or funny or intelligent or strong enough. Basically, we're crippled by the fear of not being enough in general."

I try to stop myself whenever I feel like my mind is in that mindset. If I want to eat that burger and fries, then I'll let myself. If I want to exercise that day, so be it. I want to enjoy everything I do and not feel bad for eating this or that or not doing doing something. And I encourage whoever is reading this to do the same. Don't let fear take over your life. YOU are in control and you choose what YOU want. You're beautiful, funny, intelligent, witty, you're everything you want to be!