Kicked down

As always, I come saying how it's been so long since I've jotted down my thoughts & how I'm gonna start blogging more, nope. Doesn't happen. Too much has happened (another thing I always say), but life won't give me a damn break. I just want everything to stop already. I want people to stop breaking me down. I want people to be kind. To be thoughtful. To think of others. To realize that their words impact people, good or bad. Is that to much to ask for? Well, it seems like it.

There are a lot of situations that I want to talk about, but these things I don't feel comfortable talking about on such a public space.

I've been crying a lot lately. Seems as though the past 2 years, my heart has been surrounded by ice. It's starting to melt away or it could just be that I've been pushed around lately & just making me over-emotional. I pick the second reason.

I try not use the cancer card as an excuse for things, but it's a major role as to why I'm the way I am now. I'm strong, but I'm weak. I'm happy, but I'm sad. I wish people would look a bit further.. go behind the surface.. look beyond those wounds. Maybe she's being like that for a reason..

I wanna say I'm a good person. I'm not perfect, but I try my best to be the best me I can be. I don't think i'm cruel to people, even those I don't necessarily have a liking too. I'd never be vicious to anyone. If I speak about something, it's because I genuinely have concern about it. I don't like wasting my time or being mean to others. What's that gonna do? I feel like lately people are tearing apart my spirit. It's not like I'm allowing them to, but they creep in there & do or say whatever. As much as I brush it off, I AM HUMAN. There's only so much I can take. Even when I know I'm right, I take the beating for being "wrong." I'm more concerned about it than you. I apologize first. I muster up every inch of my being to make things right, but I'm always in the wrong. I say the wrong thing. I do the wrong thing. My feelings don't matter. My thoughts don't matter. My heart doesn't matter. I don't matter.

This is all I have the energy for right now. I guess you'll have to wait another 3 months.

A Lovely Mess

Hello all! As always, I'm posting months later than I intend to. So much has gone on, but has it ever really slowed down? I had my implants put in on October 17th. It's something that I'm adjusting to & I'm not sure if I was emotionally prepared for this change. Everyone keeps asking me what size I went & it has really started to irritate me. Honestly, who the fuck cares what size I decided to get?! Or why my "D" size foobs, don't look like a "D".

REMINDER: I DID NOT GET A "BOOB JOB"!!!! I HAD RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY! TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!

I understand people are curious, but gosh darn it, y'all need to be a little more sensitive towards me. Have your boobs removed & get a "boob job" & tell me how you feel, huh! This shit is traumatic. My doctor said she was going to do everything possible to make them look as normal as they can look, but let's face it, they won't look 100%. They're not going to look like when a vain chick wants to get her boobs done.

I know I'm still swollen & all that, but I'm finding the imperfections already, but I remind myself over & over that it's not going to look the same. Your skin can only stretch & adapt after so much trauma. I mean, I am happy that I finally got this done & they do look good for being what it is, but it's a lot to take in.

Well, I guess that's enough ranting for one night. 

We Shall Be Free

Well... my uncle/nino passed away 8/18/14 from pancreatic cancer. His services were last week & it was very emotional for me. I do find comfort in knowing he's no longer suffering & in peace, whilst being reunited with his loved ones. Fortunately, he was able to plan out his funeral his way. It was a beautiful service & I know he was looking down & smiling down at us. And I'm sure he was laughing that wonderful, contagious laugh of his during the funny moments that happened.

But, all this happened at a weird time. The day before his funeral, I went to the doc & he told me I'm in remission. My scans came out good, not perfect, but good. I'll take what I can get! But more on that in a future post..

Obviously, life doesn't slow down for anyone. The past 2 years have been crazy for my family. One hit after the other. I would really like to have good news from now on..PLEASE!!!!! Our family needs it!

I have other things I want to talk about, but I just wanted to keep this sorta short & I'm really not in the mood to write. So, I'm just filling you in.

Running On Empty

I haven't been feeling to great lately, but I try my best to keep a smile on & move forward. I've been so exhausted lately, but I feel if I even say that I am people won't believe me. As if you need to be bald to look or feel sick. One of the worst parts of cancer is the aftermath, even though technically I'm not officially in remission. It's difficult to move on from it and figure out your next step. I did my pet scan on Tuesday & now we wait for those results. I'm nervous as hell & I think that's why I've been so tired & feeling moody. Well that & probably my meds is what's causing all of these emotions. I do feel a bit empty right now & feeling self-conscious isn't helping me either. Luckily I'm not allowing myself to sulk into a deep depression. I started exercising & I hope I start to see some results physically, emotionally, & mentally.

LIFE IS REALLY UNFAIR

 Ugh, I'm just so angry with life sometimes! I'm looking for jobs, no luck. I keep having dreams of getting married & having children & I feel like it's haunting me. It's breaking my heart.. I want that normal life, whatever it is, but I want my normal. I want to fast-forward to 10 years from now & see where I'm at. I pray to God that I'm alive, married, babies running around, a steady job that I love. If only..

Hopeless Romantic

For the past 2 weeks I've been feeling extremely romantic. It all started when we came back from Ensenada & I downloaded Aaliyah onto my iPod. It was Sunday Night Slow Jams & you know how that goes! I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just I've been in a romantic mode as of late. 

I know I've talked about love before, but I haven't really put too much thought or effort into it. I think I'm ready to put myself out there & possibly date. WOW! What a shocker, eh? I think it's time. It's been well over 2 years since my last relationship & I did like someone (sorta?) before I got sick, but we won't talk about that.. Before I got sick, I just wanted to focus on me, myself, & I. I had forgotten who I was, so after a stint of minor depression, I picked myself up & moved forward. And well, then I got sick, so really, there's no time to even think of meeting someone.

One reason why I'd love to date now, is for the fact that I want to put to use what I learned during my time of solitude. Did I really learn from my past? I say yes, but how can I know for sure if I don't put it to use.

Anyway, love has been in the air for my friends & it's really catching on to me. Who knows, maybe there's someone destined to pop into my life soon. We shall see..

63

63 is the odds of me living a long life. Crazy. It's not a terrible number, but it's not the ideal percentage I'd like. I see this number in a form of a grade, I'm a D- in this fucked up world. I'm technically failing at life, no? Not going to lie, but when I went to the doctor yesterday & he went over everything, this blew me out of the water. So surreal seeing those things in print. You imagine it, but once you see it, it's a different ball game. I pray with all my being that I get the chance to live a long, relatively healthy, life...

The next thing I wanted to talk about was death. We got the news about 2 weeks ago that my uncle decided to go into hospice. He has pancreatic cancer & it's spreading & the chemo isn't working. This sucks. Cancer sucks. Dying sucks. But dying is a side effect from cancer... Luckily, with hospice, he won't have to worry so much about the horrible pain he has to experience & he can pass on somewhat comfortable. My parent's & other uncle went to visit him & I stayed with my nana. I wanted to say goodbye one last time face to face, but my nana didn't want to go. It hurts her too much. I've been wanting to at least call him & speak with him while he still can & tell him how much I love him & what a great man he is. But I haven't been able to do it. I'm scared. I'm sad.

FUCK CANCER!

Interview

I have an interview this upcoming Thursday, 7/17/14. I'm so fucking nervous. It's been a good awhile since I've last worked or had an interview. And now it's after cancer. No long hair to somewhat hide behind. I fear being judged, not being good enough for the position, but I know that I'd excel in it. It's not too far off from what I did once.

But what I'm trying to say is that no matter how nonchalant I come across or how secure I may seem, I do have insecurities still. They gnaw at me when I'm having an off day. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin (if only that were possible). And then it turns into feelings of always getting the short end of the stick.

It's something I'm working on daily though. I try to look at the mirror & tell myself something positive. I know there are things I can't change & other things I can. I'm trying to find the motivation to do those, but some of them require money. I'm telling myself if I get the job I'll get a gym membership. Something I was always against, because why exercise when you got the outdoors and you can make your own equipment. Obviously that hasn't worked out great for me. I know if I start exercising I'll feel 100 times better about myself. I'm not looking to lose weight, but tone up, especially get rid of my double chin. I know people think I'm crazy, but I have it, there's no denying it.

Well, I'm getting a tad bit sidetracked. I just pray that I get this job, so I can start making money again & not have to rely on my parents to pay my bills. They've never had to pay my bills & I feel so lame! Since I started working at 17, if I wanted something, I could get it. I could pay my bills on my terms. This is too weird for me & I wanna feel self-sufficient in that way at least.

Wish me luck!

Keep Looking Where Your Eyes Are Looking Now

Well... it's been a bit over 2 months since my last post. Where do I even begin? SO MUCH has happened in the past 2 months, it's incredible. Since April 21st I've gone to Portland, Graduated, saw Gaga for the 4th time AND she read my sign & sang part of the song for Marry the Night!!!!!!! How fucking rad, right?!?!?! I have to admit though, I started ugly crying as soon as I heard her say, "What does that sign say?" Chills going through my body right now! One of the best moments of my entire 23 year old life. The fact that she knows of my existence is enough for me. Ok, I lied, if I meet her that will make it even better. Soon enough.

Besides all that cool stuff that happened, I recently started volunteering at Cancer Resource Center of the Desert (CRCD) & it's been such a great experience so far! I'm also semi-looking for jobs, but since I'm still waiting to have my reconstruction surgery, I'm not actively pursuing jobs. I'd hate to start working and then have to take time off. I'm also in the process of switching insurances and that's been a pain in my ass.

In news with my cancer, I felt something in my armpit, close to one of my incisions. Doc said it could possibly just be scar tissue, but I need to get my scans done to make sure. And since my primary insurance likes to lag & thing scans aren't important for a 23 year old breast cancer patient, I'm still waiting. It's been a month since I've seen him & it still hasn't been approved. WTF, dude! At least I'm changing insurances & hopefully won't be having these problems. It's so crucial for me to get the adequate care, because I am young and it's not normal, especially to have breast cancer. Time can't be wasted & unfortunately I feel like it is being wasted. That, or I'm just not as patient as I used to be (I'm not).

I always say this, but I hope I'm more active on my blog and not wait a month or two to jot down everything. It's really cool to look back and read what I was feeling at that moment. Anyways, thanks for reading!

The "Not Good Enough" Trap

This was the name of an article I read in my April issue of Glamour. It really resonated with me and I wish there was a way to show this to every woman who feels that way. Shouldn't what we do already be good enough? We need to stop picking ourselves apart and loving every part of our body, mind, & soul.

There's a part in the article I want to share:

"We have to make a change now, to let go of the "ideals" we've been taught to achieve, and to stop being ruled by fear. Fear of enjoying our food...or of allowing our bodies to be the size they want to be...or skipping the gym. And these fears aren't limited to weight; we also fear not being interesting enough or witty or funny or intelligent or strong enough. Basically, we're crippled by the fear of not being enough in general."

I try to stop myself whenever I feel like my mind is in that mindset. If I want to eat that burger and fries, then I'll let myself. If I want to exercise that day, so be it. I want to enjoy everything I do and not feel bad for eating this or that or not doing doing something. And I encourage whoever is reading this to do the same. Don't let fear take over your life. YOU are in control and you choose what YOU want. You're beautiful, funny, intelligent, witty, you're everything you want to be!

Inner Light

"Seeing through glamour is easy. It's people that are hard."

I read this while reading The Mortal Instruments, Book One: City of Bones and it really stuck with me. We live in a life where vanity takes the number one spot in our lives.I've learned a lot about beauty and myself this past year. I've struggled with my "new" looks, but I had to remind myself that the outside doesn't really matter. My beauty is within me and my inner light is what will shine through. I want people to know me from the inside, out. Peel back the layers and get to  know me in my true form. 

That's why I love blogging. I get to discuss my strengths, my fears, my worries, my pain, my anger, my everything. I may be talking to nobody on here, but that's what makes it special. It's my diary, but public diary. Maybe people do read it, maybe they don't, but all that matters is that I get to share my life on my terms. 

One of my favorite posts...

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3539970

Verlorio

My friend Vero passed away last week, 3/11/14. Tonight is the velorio. I've been bummed, but I know tonight I'm gonna break. I'm nervous..

I'll write a post another day..

http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/IVPressOnline/obituary.aspx?n=VERONICA-TORREZ&pid=170214087&referrer=1437&preview=True

Out of body, out of mind.

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I started the new meds. I gotta take them for 5, maybe 10 years. Yipee! Not. These meds make me not feel like myself. Too many side effects, but I'll mention the main ones.

Mood swings. Totally not me. One moment I'm ok, then I'm all snappy & what not. I try to control them to the best of my ability, but my mom thinks I'm not. Trust me, I'm trying.

Anxiety. It hasn't been too bad, but I get it mainly at night. I've been a bit stressed & exhausted, which I hate admitting, and I think that's adding to the anxiety. I committed to a lot this semester, forgetting I'm still not done with everything.

Insomnia. I go to sleep at like 2-3 a.m., wake up around 8/9 a.m. Even when I do sleep, I feel like I'm not rested. And the thing is I AM exhausted & want to sleep.

Depression. I'm having stints of it & I absolutely, fucking hate it. I can be with my loved ones & say a joke & laugh, but I feel so empty inside at the same time. Luckily, I'm making every attempt to be happy, cause this is the thing I don't want to get worse.

I criticize myself too much & when I stop myself, i get this feeling of why am I doing this to myself? I've always been organized, having a plan for everything, needing to be in control. Cancer took that away from me. Which can be looked at as both a good or bad thing. I've had all these plans, and now they seem so far away. I know eventually they'll happen, but not according to my plan. I have to stop judging myself. I'm my own worst critic and biggest enemy. It doesn't help when social media focuses on beauty & all that. I don't fit in those categories. I'm 23 with my boobs chopped off & plastic as boobs. How am i supposed to feel "beautiful?" This is probably the medicine talking, but fuck man, I feel like I have to fit in societies mold of what's acceptable. I gotta be happy all the time. Positive. Pretty. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. What's so wrong with not wanting to be strong all the time? I'm a fucking human being, riding an extremely, emotional roller coaster. LET ME BE!!! That's the thing that bothers me. I have to out this front on all the damn time. I'm not gonna always have it together. But just know that at the end of this shitty ride, I will see the light. I'm gonna prove to you & myself. It may seem contradicting, but you know what, it's not. And I truly think only people who have gone through something tragic like this, understand.

I feel so delirious & tired, I'm not sure if what I just typed is even grammatically correct. But you know what? Fuck it. It's my blog, it's my life.

Better Things

I'm on my way to better things
Your definition states that they're not here
I'm on my way to bigger things
I guess you wouldn't know since you're not here
It's not the friends you thought you had
Or your location on a map
It's what you feel in here

I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things
I wish you well
I'll be just fine

If I stay around I can feel alright
But I know there's something else out there for me

It's not the friends you thought you had
Or your location on a map
It's what you feel in here

I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things
I wish you well
I'll be just fine

Home is where you make it
And I'm not afraid to say it

I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things
I wish you well
I'll be just fine
I'm on my way to better things
It's not the first time, not the last time
I'm on my way to better things 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGGFKc5ofYo 

Busy Bee

As you can probably tell, I haven't had a lot of time to write a new post. I was going through radiation, finished January 27th, started Spring semester (which has kept me on my toes!), and trying to have a social life. January was filled with a lot of going out with friends, which was so much fun! My friend Jon mentioned to me how it was only January & we've gone out a lot! I've also gone to 2 concerts, MxPx & Demi Lovato. I got to meet Mike Herrera from MxPx, he was so cool & he remembered me from Twitter, which I thought showed how genuine this guy is. February has gone by so fast, I guess it feels that way cause it's a short month. This month has been fun, but I've gotten some sad news. My uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I found out a childhood friend that I've known since kindergarten, was diagnosed with cancer too, not sure what kind yet. I say this over & over again, I HATE CANCER! FUCK CANCER! Though I hate it with a passion, I have to admit it has led me to do some incredible things and meet amazing people. I actually met with my support group coordinator today to do a training. I'll be joining her in talking to teenagers about early detection and health and all that good stuff. My hopes for this is that at least one of those student's takes the initiative to become aware of their bodies and advocate for themselves. It's so crucial to be aware of your own health and all the changes, so if you notice something different, you can get it checked out. I think I'm perfect for this, since I'm a young adult and not that long ago was I in a P.E. class in high school. I'm excited, yet nervous!

Well, this cancer chick is gonna try & catch some zZz's!