Reflection

It's amazing to think of how fast time has flown by. This year was by far the craziest of my life & it's almost about to end. Thank God!!! As much pain as I've endured this year, I have some great memories too. I saw Backstreet Boys & Justin Timberlake, highlight of my year & life! I've waited YEARS to see them & it finally happened. I got to ask BSB a question & answered it directly to me, AH!!! And JT literally was inches away from me. *Sigh* INCREDIBLE! Not only them but I went to plenty of other shows. Rihanna, Bruno, Katy Perry, Ellie Goulding, Sara Bareilles, Tegan & Sara, Kacey Musgraves, Jesse McCartney, DJ Pauly D. Anyone else that I'm missing? It's literally been a Pop music year for me. Being diagnosed took me back to being a little girl, listening to my favorite genre, Pop music. It made me feel normal again & took me back to the times when all I had to worry about was if my Barbie's hair would grow back. It didn't, haha.

Not only the shows I've gone too, but all those memories with my family and friends. It's brought me even closer to them, farther to some. But for those who've always been there before & the ones that this experience has got me closer to, THANK YOU! I can't even say in words what y'all mean to me. To those that walked away, fuck you too ;).

I'm hopeful for 2014. My bucket list is ready to get cut in half. I've done a few things on there, but 2014 I'm gonna complete even more. My friend Susie tagged me to a photo of a jar & each time you experience something good or fun, you write the memory, put it in the jar, & read it on 12/31/14. Neat, huh!

I get to finally graduate with my Bachelor's degree. Get back to working again. Volunteer. Travel. The list goes on & on. So much to experience in this world & I'm going to take advantage of it. I wanna do all this now, while I'm young & able to. I heard the other day, "There's always an excuse not to do something." I don't wanna be like that. I want to enjoy every little thing life has to offer NOW. I don't wanna put it off & be 80 years old & reflect back & think, "Damn!"

NEVER BETTER THAN NOW! Seize the day!

I'm ready to finish this chapter on my cancer journey & move to the next one..

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014!

Si tú me olvidas

QUIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti,
como si todo lo que existe,
aromas, luz, metales,
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien,
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco
el viento de banderas
que pasa por mi vida
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día,
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube
una flor a tus labios a buscarme,
ay amor mío, ay mía,
en mí todo ese fuego se repite,
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos
sin salir de los míos.

Death

This isn't a subject I've really talked a lot about. It has come to my mind, but I know in my heart I'll make it through this. But.. I've recently found out that my sister in the fight has been getting bad news. First that her breast cancer spread to her lungs, then colon, now liver, bones, neck & still some spots in her lungs.

It's scary. She has two small kids and a husband. I can't even fathom hearing those words from the doctor. It was the first time it was brought up... now that it has been spreading like crazy...

This is my first experience with it.. my lovely, tough friend... I just... idk... I know to some extent what it's like, but this is another ballpark. I just pray that God gives her & her family to keep fighting & that just cause she heard those words being a possibility, doesn't mean it will.

I have faith.

New Direction

Feeling lost sucks. So many directions, but which one do I take? With feeling lost comes too many personalities. Who am I really? Do I conform to whatever surroundings I'm in? Or am I dabbling in everything to figure myself out. Fuck it, how about I'm all those things, because I want to be whatever I want. Even if it feels as if I'm living a double, triple, whichever amount of lives.

I'm playing race, catching up on all that I've missed. And really it's not just cause of cancer, but even before that. I missed out 4 years due to a relationship. Heck, even before THAT. I've always lived such a bland life. Nothing too interesting that would make people gravitate to my story in life. How does an awesome person have such a boring life? No clue. It just.. happens. But I'm working on changing all that.

It's honestly hard making friends at this age. People aren't so keen at letting people in their lives like when you're younger & I don't blame them. I can be like that, but I give people chances & then if I feel like they're too much of a negative impact I cut them off. That's what I've been doing this year, unfortunately. Besides that, I'm just so awkward now. Scatter-brain makes it hard to talk to people cause I jump around in my thoughts & forget things. I forgot my name once! How is that even possible? It is. Not just this, but the fact that you don't wanna disclose that you cancer so soon, but how can you ignore it? I've learned the hard way bringing it up so soon. It scares people away sadly & you don't wanna sound like a downer either. But this is who I am, you know? It's now a part of me & I sometimes think that if people run away when you tell them, then they're just saving you from time being wasted.

*Le sigh*

Even though all that I've mentioned is a bummer, I'm generally happy with my life. It may sound otherwise at times, but it's cause I get frustrated. I've learned so much about myself this year.. actually it all started after the break-up & my Tata passing away, but 2013 has been the biggest impact. My eyes have opened differently. My mind is clearer, ironically, haha. I'm just waiting to test myself in the near future all that I've learned.

I'm going to take advantage of you 2014!!!!

The Monster

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices INSIDEof my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

 

 I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh well, guess beggars can't be choosey
Wanted to receive attention for my music
Wanted to be left alone in public. Excuse me
For wanting my cake and eat it too, and wanting it both ways
Fame made me a balloon 'cause my ego inflated
When I blew; see, but it was confusing
'Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf
Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam (wooh!)
Hit the lottery, oh wee
With what I gave up to get was bittersweet
It was like winning a used me
Ironic 'cause I think I'm getting so huge I need a shrink
I'm beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep
Going cuckoo and cooky as Kool Keith
But I'm actually weirder than you think
'Cause I'm


I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

Well, that's not fair
Well, that's not fair


No, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me
To seize the moment and don't squander it
'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow
So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
(Yeah, ponder it, do you want this?
It's no wonder you're losing your mind, the way it wanders)
Yo-lo-lo-lo-yee-whoo
I think you've been wandering off down yonder
And stumbled onto Jeff VanVonderen
'Cause I need an interventionist
To intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it
My OCD is conking me in the head
Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking
I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying
Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the


I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy

Well, that's not fair
Well, that's not fair

Call me crazy, but I had this vision
One day that I'd walk amongst you a regular civilian
But until then drums get killed and I'm coming straight at
MCs, blood get spilled and I
Take it back to the days that I get on a Dre track
Give every kid who got played that
Pumped up feeling and shit to say back
To the kids who played 'em
I ain't here to save the fucking children
But if one kid out of a hundred million
Who are going through a struggle feels and then relates that's so great
It's payback, Russell Wilson falling way back
In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that
Straw into gold chump, I will spin Rumpelstiltskin in a haystack
Maybe I need a straight jacket, face facts
I am nuts for real, but I'm okay with that
It's nothing, I'm still friends with the


I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy


Well, that's not fair
Well, that's not fair

For you

Yellowcard - Awakening

 

Bottoms up tonight I drink to you and I
'Cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass I will break the past
'Cause with the morning I can open my eyes
I want this to be my awakening

I give this one to you an anthem full of truth
I tell you now an epic tale of what you've put me through
And even though you don't deserve one of your own
A melody, a song about the life that you let go
I can't believe that I still care enough to write

Bottoms up tonight I drink to you and I
'Cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass I will break the past
'Cause with the morning I can open my eyes
I want this to be my awakening

Yes I miss you still and probably always will
I'm living with a busted heart that I will have until
I find the strength I know it's somewhere in my bones
To pull the curtain up again and get on with this show
At least you know that I still care enough to write

Bottoms up tonight I drink to you and I
'Cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass I will break the past
'Cause with the morning I can open my eyes
And maybe I will see a different destiny
Like knowing you at all was only a bad dream
I want this to be my awakening

No rest for the wicked they say
Forgive me if I try to change
No rest for the wicked they say
Forgive me if I try to change

Bottoms up tonight I drink to you and I
'Cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass I will break the past
'Cause with the morning I can open my eyes
And maybe I will see a different destiny
Like knowing you at all was only a bad dream

I want this to be my awakening

BSB binging

Less than a month till I see them! 16 years of being a fan and I'm barely going to my first BSB show. i get to go to their soundcheck/Q&A party too! So excited to see mah boyzzz! This will hands down be one of the ultimate experiences of my life, since I've loved them for so long. And to see them during the year that has been proven to be the most life-changing. Cancer ain't gonna stop me! :)

Alive & kicking

It's been over two weeks since my last post & first chemo. The first few days were the worst!!! I was so depressed, in pain, had no energy.. I was miserable. Somehow I mustard up the strength to get out of bed, shower & let some sun in. Let me tell ya, that worked wonders, in addition to all the tears I finally let out!

I was prepared with advice from people who've experienced this poison & my doctors telling me the side effects. The pain, depression, the hair loss, appetite, loneliness, the reality of seeing who actually is there for me, it's all a smack in the face. But even above all the physical pain, nothing hurts more than the loneliness. I'm thankful for those few friends who've contacted me personally, not just through social media. Those who've offered to come over, even though I say no cause I'm tired or have some appointment to go to, or honestly just don't want to be seen. It may seem contradictory, but you're not living it, so you don't know. I've been somewhat embarrassed of what a mess I've become, so I don't want to be seen. I feel insecure. I've come to find out some people have chosen not to contact me cause they wanna give me space. Honestly, I'd rather them contact & I choose if I want to reply or answer. Don't make that decision for me. It feels worse to not get any calls or texts, than it does being overwhelmed by the support.

Now, this upcoming week is crazy busy. Chemo week. Which means blood tests, NP appt, chemo, shots. Joy! Oh, by the way, I'm bald! The picture is right after, I was crying before the photo, but not crying cause I'm team baldy now, but crying cause towards the end it was hurting my scalp. The hair was already coming out on it's own & it hurt when it was just the clippers doing it's thing. I'm going to get a wig on Monday, but my sister's in the fight have said they never even used there's. It's itchy, it's hot, uncomfortable! I wanna have one though, just in case & I'm going to look for fun ones too.

Well, I'll try to write again this week.

Tootles!

Tomorrow is the BIG day

I can't believe it's almost time. I'm pretty calm right now, but we shall see the next few days.

I am stoked thinking that in a couple months I can go back to "normal" even though it really won't be. But I can't wait for my changes. I might gain weight & even if I don't, I wanna get into the swing of working out. I'm pretty much in transformation, so why not continue with positive changes. Get rid of those chubby cheeks & small double chin, I don't wanna look like a little girl anymore.

I'm trying to not plan things, but just have goals to attain. I wanna live freely, not restrained by plans that usually never go as they should anyways.

Well, I'm feeling good, not as bummed as I have been with my last few posts.

:)

6 days

I'm totally judging myself too hard. FUCK! I'm feeling so self conscious about every-fucking-little thing. Life is scaring the shit out of me. Idk if I can do this.

One of those nights..

Where I can't help but think, WHY? Not just cancer, but why towards all the other things in my life. Not that I didn't have a good childhood, I did, under my circumstances. I don't usually admit it, but I always wondered what my life would've been like if I would've had a "typical" family structure. I know that families aren't perfect & even if you have an ideal, it's not like that. Yes, my Mom WAS my dad. Yes, my Tata was like my dad. Yes, my Uncles' were father figures to me. But at the end of the day, they weren't my biological father.

I don't normally "care" about this subject, since I don't know him, but maybe cause it was father's day, it got me thinking. It does give me this weird feeling seeing all these posts & photos of people with their dads & how great they are & what not. There were some points in my life where I yearned for that love. To be a daddy's girl, to have him wrapped around my finger, to protect me, to be one of those dads that says, "You hurt my daughter & your dead." I know it all sounds cheesy, but I've always said I like cheese.

I don't know the whole story, or even part of it, but I wanna know. For some reason, my mom doesn't wanna talk about it. I get it, but I am THE daughter & I think that if I wanna know, I should. My curiosity has risen since my diagnosis, & probably cause I keep getting asked about genetics. Well, how do I respond if I don't know half of what made me? It's tough. Does he know I exist? Is it true that I have siblings? Has he ever wanted to meet me, but couldn't for whatever reason? Or worse, not want anything to do with me. I've thought about tracking him down a few times, but idk how to go about it. I don't wanna upset my mom, ESPECIALLY during these tough times, but the curiosity kills me.

I love my mom to death. I appreciate everything she has done for me since the moment she found out she was pregnant, up to this very second. No one can ever match up to her. The struggles, the pain, the happiness, the laughter. But is it fair to me? Gah! Being in this situation sucks so bad.

Goodnight.

13 days

Until I start my chemo. Tomorrow I am going to cut my hair even shorter to get used to it. Probably the same week I start chemo I will be shaving my head. I hope I can get those moments captured..

Nothing new has really happened, just a bunch of doctor appointments & last minute exams. The next 13 days are pretty much booked with things to take care of & hopefully I'll have a break & just deal with ny treatment.

One year.

Amazed that it's been a year since my Tata died. I wonder sometimes that God said it was time & my Tata let go, cause they knew that my mom was going to have an additional focus. Like it was my Tata's way of taking care of us. I know he's my guardian angel & will continue protecting me.

Tata, please just give me the strength to focus on getting better & sending the right people for me.

I miss & love you

Beginning transition..

It's been 17 days since my surgery, dang..I've been meaning to type a post, but I keep forgetting. I figured today was a good day to post, since it was eventful.

First off, surgery went well. I got ny bilateral mastectomy, meaning they removed both breasts. They took out 23 lymph nodes from my right arm, 5 came back positive. If it's in the nodes, you have risk of metastasis, which can spread to another area in the body. Woo! How exciting, huh? This means I also gotta do radiation. On other note, it was a smart decision to remove the left breast, no signs of anything at this point, but they did find a cyst, which in the future could become cancerous. I beat you to it cancer!

As for today, I went to a "Look Good, Feel Better' session in EC. This program is provided by the American Cancer Society where they provide makeup kits & give you info on how to make yourself feel better when going through treatment. It was great & I was so happy & thankful to have attended. Unfortunately, after the session I went to the mall with my mom, but within 5 minutes of being there, my mood turned sour. I saw someone that I haven't seen in a very long time. Well, I still have some doubt it was that person, only cause they looked different, but I'm 90% sure that it was. I'm not sure if this person saw me or even recognized me (if they did see me that is). Maybe since my hair is shorter & have drains hanging on my side, I'm not as recognizable? Idk.. but it just made me feel uneasy. We didn't pass any exchanges, so maybe it wasn't that person, but who's to say if it was, that they would say hi. Oh well..

After that encounter, I had my chemo doc appointment. It's overwhelming getting told all this info on what's going to happen & coming to terms that in about 3-4 weeks that I'll be starting treatment. ESPECIALLY after what went on today, I was feeling down. The timing sucks!!! I see this person, wondering if they even know what's going on with me, I'm on my rag, today is a year since my Tata passed away, & getting this info.. UGH!!!!!

It's just unbelievable that I gotta go through this shit! What did I do wrong?!?! Did life really wanna give me another blow to the head? Life, just gimme a break, please! But.. I still have faith.. God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. Right?

It's so hard, but I put on my bravest face. And it bothers me when people don't let me vent, like, if I wanna be mad & complain about whatever, I fucking can.  Luckily, it only happens every now & then, but whatever, I have every right to feel anything at any moment, I guess. Just as long as it doesn't go on every day.

I say my prayers, please give me the strength, the will, the hope, to keep fighting. To keep going & kick ass.. to make it out of this alive & well.. to remain some normalcy after treatment.. to be able to find the right help.

Please..

It all has lead up to this..

<p dir=ltr>Greetings Earthlings.. the day has finally come. Surgery. It went by so slow, yet so fast. At the beginning of the year I was so stoked for all the changes that 2013 would bring; graduating SDSU with my BA, moving away to LA, being with my best friend, enjoying life. Now, I lay here on the day that would've been my graduation, the day before the physical changes begin, and just wonder. </p>
<p dir=ltr>My world had completely changed. I'm living with a life-threatening disease, but I won't dare let that stop me from living life. I won't lie, I've had my moments where I felt like giving up, I contemplated if all this was would be worth it. Answer is, yes, of course. I'm important, I matter. I've gotten knocked down, but I always get back up &amp; go at it again. Now with more passion cause my life is on the line.</p>
<p dir=ltr>As I face these changes, I wonder how I'm going to feel when I see who I will become. I am going to try my best to remain the same chick; be my loud, goofy, strange, awkward, courageous, brave, BEAUTIFUL, Warrior Queen, self. It won't be easy, &amp; I'll have huge hurdles to climb, but mark my word, you're gonna see me succeed. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Now with this staring at me straight in the eyes, I have a few hopes &amp; dreams for my future. I want to get better & be healthy. I'm going to work hard at getting a nice booty, to make up not having boobies for awhile. I also hope to lose my baby fat on my face, the chubby cheeks & double chin. I want to look like my 22 year old self, not when I was 2. I want to graduate by Spring 2014. Next, I hope to move away, find myself, volunteer, & find a job that I absolutely love doing. I know I'd be perfect in the realm of helping others in similar situations as mine. Then one day I hope & pray that God sends me the best man for me. That when he sees me, his eyes see past the physical aspect & sees my strength, courage, bravery & admires me & gets inspired to live life to the fullest. The ULTIMATE wish is to get married & have lots of babies. Out of everything I mentioned, this is the most important.. creating a family of my own. The most special thing anyone can experience. I pray that I get to live that beautiful life, happily. Live a long, satisfied life, so when I'm old, I can look at my husband sitting next to me outside & see our grandchildren playing in the yard, enjoying the gorgeous wonders on this Earth.

Now THAT'S the life right there..

Photo shoot madness!

On Sunday & Monday my lovely cousin, Lupita, took some shots of me. Sunday's shoot was geared towards capturing me, the person that made me who I am today. We took some amazing shots in front of my house, some at my Tata's gravesite (my favorite), at the park & other Holtville spots. They looked so good on camera! I was surprised how I didn't look as awkward as I envisioned.

As for Monday's shoot, they were topless photos, done tastefully of course. I want to remember what those were.. what they have done for me, where they brought me. And those were amazing to see! My Nana & Mom helped out & encouraged the shoot, surprisingly!

Once i get the final photos, I'll post a few. Not sure about the topless ones, those are more for me, but we shall see..

In other news, today I cut my hair & I am going to donate it. It's weird having hair this short!! I haven't had it at this length since I was.. 5? Quite a few years! But I did this to prepare myself for the BIG cut, buzzing it off. At least I get to enjoy a month or so with hair this length!

Irritated

I wish certain people could see how ridiculous they look. It's pretty clear that even if you have cancer, it's not going to change the mindset of others. You can't even put aside your shit, what no, stop doing that shit, to support ME? The hell is up with that?

You really know who's there for you, especially during a time like this. I KNOW who really would be there at the end & I've just stopped wasting my time with certain people. The fact that YOU think I need to keep up with you - fucking insane! All this, "I'm here if you need me" & all kinds of other crap, is just useless. No, you won't be there for me. You weren't there before, you won't be there now. It's stupid for someone to say that.

I honestly don't have the energy to be dealing with this. I'm going to look out for me, cause at the end of the road, it's going to be me standing alone. And if that means you getting butt-hurt cause I haven't contacted you, well frankly my dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

Changes

"I am lost in the see-through. I think you lost yourself too. Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practiced all the things I'd say to tell you how I feel. And when I finally get my chance it all seems so surreal. Cause from the first time I saw you I only thought about you. I didn't know you I wanted to hold on to the things you'd never say to me."

That song popped in my head.

Well today was my last day at work. It feels odd knowing I won't be back. If at the end of all this, I can go back, cool. If not, on to what I'm meant to do in life. Help others in similar positions, like me. I know it's so soon to be thinking that, but it's something to look forward to.

The future. The unknown. The uncertainty. It's a lot to take in at any age. Imagine at 22 years old, already having to deal with normal pressures that "society" has placed. Now add cancer to the equation. Yeah, not so fun. It sucks.

I think sometimes I'm so numb to this, because deep down I'm used to disappointment. I've learned to just take those punches life has thrown at me over the years. Don't get me wrong, I had a good childhood, a loving mom & grandparents. I was a good student. But in the back of my head, I was always second to the world. Or should I say last?

I've always felt like a wallflower. I felt invisible. I'm always having to remind people who I am. For the majority of my time in school I was known as "Bianca's cousin." They'd forget my name or if someone didn't recognize me by Alex, that was what was used. And even outside of school I was "Martina's daughter." THEN, when I was with Raymond, I was "Raymond's girlfriend." See, always in the shadow of someone else. It's tiring & annoying. Yeah, I have some blame in the fact that I was comfortable being in the background. But REALLY, can you blame me? Even if I tried to "make a name for myself" I never succeeded.

It bugs me when people get mad at me for feeling that way. I'm sorry that your a bitch & have no emotions. NO. That you try to act all tough, but inside you're probably worse than me? Yes. See, it's all a facade for you, but at least I'm in touch with all those emotions & can see logically about them. If I do something different from what I think, that's another story. It's not being hypocritical, it's just me noticing that, yeah, I am doing this or that, but I can recognize those things.

Well, I just noticed that I keep jumping from thought to thought. That's just how my brain is as of late and it might not help that I'm exhausted and it's 1 a.m. Oh well, I gotta jot down what I'm feeling just so I won't go crazy.

Goodnight.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after..

Watch "Brand New - Jesus (Live From Studio) ft. Kevin Devine" on YouTube

In-Between

Time is ticking & surgery is SOON. I'm glad about that, but I'm starting to get really nervous & scared. The last minute details, make enjoying these last few moments kind of tough. I want to relax and luckily this Friday is my last working day. As far as I know, I have a job when I'm ready, but who knows with all the changes.

I did the relay for life in Brawley and it was great! Met lots of new folks, shared stories, and fought for a cause. Can't wait to do more of them in the future!!

This past weekend I went to San Diego to do a photo shoot for Shirts For A Cure. Photographer, Mark Beemer, founder of SFAC & the Sryentha J.  Savio Endowment, was there along with some of his awesome team of help! They were so gracious & kind to include me & my friend Adan, for something so rad. Please, if you haven't already, go check them out at http://www.syrentha.org & once I get the photos will definitely post a few so y'all can all see.

As I prepare for what's to come, some of my wishes are to obviously get better & stronger, retain somewhat of a normal, 22 year old life, AND go to a few shows. Not much, right?

FUCK CANCER!!!!!

One of those nights..

I can't sleep. My mind is running on hopeless thoughts & useless memories. I'm calling my doctor's today to hopefully get a surgery date. I've already confirmed to myself what I'm going to do. Double mastectomy. Wow. I would have never in a million crazy thoughts, would ever think that something like this would  happen to ME. That at 22 years old, I would be facing the thoughts of removing my breasts. I know they don't define who I am, but jeeze.. what a crazy life. I was planning ideas of where to move & live, but now I'm planning what's the best thing to do for me. What will minimize MY risk of cancer coming up elsewhere. So much life ahead of me & I have to live through a torturous nightmare. I will shine. I will succeed. I will beat the living hell out of cancer. I'M A WARRIOR QUEEN.

"Yeah, you've been dealt a bad hand. Placed against a stacked deck
Been through all the cat scans and bad checks
But I slashed your debt. Not your wrists
And I couldn't help with anything else that became cancerous..

It's been a hell of a year
You said that I ain't there, I ain't care, and life ain't fair
It's been a hell of a trip."

A little bit caught in the middle..

What a hell of a week! Went up to San Diego back to back for doctor appointments. Work was insanely busy. My goddaughter has been ill for almost a week & took 3 trips to the ER for her to be sent to the children's hospital (which pissed me off). Unbelievable that they couldn't recognize something the 1st time. I'll even give them the 2nd time. My dad's brother is also in the hospital in the ICU, but looks like he's doing fine at the present time. Just give us a break, jeeze.

Back to my doctor appointments.. my surgical oncologist stated he would not feel comfortable if he didn't remove the right breast. Not doing so, he wouldn't be confident in saying the margins are clear. As for the left breast, nothing shows at this moment, but scans can only show when it's cancer is at a certain size. There are billions of cells and even just half of your pinky nail, cancer wouldn't show up on a scan. I could be totally fine in that breast, i also could not be. And in my case, only being 22 & having cancer, it's likely I could develop it in the left one some day in the future. He told me it's up to me what I wanna do, but to also talk with the plastic surgeon to see what he recommends. The plastic surgeon HIGHLY recommended removing the left one. Not just vanity reasons, but for the occurrence & do I really wanna have to go through this again?

So, that's why I'm caught in the middle. I'm still considering all my options in what is best for ME. I'm leaning towards both, but I haven't fully decided. It's a terrifying, long procedure, that will happen in stages. Of course removing both means if I have children, no breastfeeding. That sucks! I know that isn't the only way to bond, but fuck.. so many things I may not be able to experience cause of this stupid shit. I'm going to kick cancers ass so fucking hard, it's going to regret even fucking with me & messing up everything. BUT it's not going to stop my dreams. You wait & see.

Which brings me to another thing. There are a few things I need to clear up before I have surgery (I don't have a date yet, but should be within the next few weeks). It's in NO WAY thinking that I'm going to die, though, so please refrain from thinking that. But I am facing a life threatening disease & I just don't want to have all these things in the back of my head. I want to feel free from these thoughts & feelings. Whether it's confronting some people or doing things that will release me, I gotta do this for me.

I guess we'll see what will happen..

Getting There..

Tomorrow I will be finding out what action will be taking & this journey. Probably have a surgery date soon? I'm not in any rush, obviously, cause it's scary to think about what I'll be facing. That fire is gonna burn..

So, I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamt I was pregnant. I think I dreamt that cause my cousin & his wife are having a baby :). Or, it could also be cause of all the baby fever I've been having lately. It was so surreal.. & I dreamt it was a baby girl. Gosh, I PRAY, I can have at least one baby, someday. That I can find a man that will be loving & kind.. & sensitive with everything I have gone through. Someone who's not judgmental, that can see past all the imperfections.

With that said, I'm off to slumber. Busy week coming up.

Oh & I accidentally deleted my 1st post

Fan-fucking-tastic. My first post was a great story. I took you on a ride through finding out I have breast cancer. Now, it's gone :(.

Feeling Weird

Feeling like whatever I do, it's not good enough. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm over this emotional roller coaster ride I'm on. One minute I'm happy as can be, the next, a wave of sadness & anger comes out.

No matter how I try to explain, it just doesn't make sense. To them, to myself. It's a blur. I don't wanna come across as needy, annoying, complaining, etc. But no matter what I say or do, it just seems like I'm being judged.

I'm trying to by myself, but being myself gets me into trouble.

Ready? Set. GO!

Lots of new things happening in the lovely world of cancer. The genetic test came back negative, SCORE!!! This was a definite sigh of relief, but makes me think...WHY DO I HAVE CANCER?! Obviously, I can't get too fixated on that, because I have it, so now it's just dealing with it. But really, why? For a short moment I will give myself room to ponder. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with too much radiation, or chemicals, or all that junk. If I could bet on it, I'd say stress. Maybe all that was built up over the years, did me dirty. I did have high estrogen levels, so that's a possibility. Especially the last year or two, my stress was at it's peak. My life was a crazy roller-coaster life & I didn't know how to get off. I had everyone telling me what I should do, but I just couldn't do it. Whatever, hate me for those times, but what's the point in reminding me about it. If you don't care, why give me shit on it. Logical, right? I learned, be proud of THAT.

Back to what I was saying.. I do think stress had a major role in why I'm going through this now. So, I'm taking it easy & again, learning, how to cope better. It's a challenge & learning experience every day. I'm trying to be as "carefree" & let things roll off my shoulder, because I only have one life, & why live life negatively & with a scowl on my face. That shit ain't going to make me better.

Now, with those genetic results, my surgical oncologist mentioned that he recommends getting a mastectomy. After we got off the phone, I figured since he didn't say "double mastectomy" that I'd only be removing the right breast. But I see him on April 1st (April Fool's Day, maybe the jokes on me?) , so I'll make sure to have all my questions answered then. I have to admit, that night it took me awhile to sleep, since I kept thinking about it. Even though I haven't admitted it to my mom yet, I"m nervous & scared. That's a big, life-changing decision. I know I'll have a tough time dealing with it, if I decide to do it. I've also looked up one of the plastic surgeons that they referred me over to. Woohoo! I'm going to be a barbie doll!!!! I have faith everything will turn out well, but my stomach starting turning on all you gotta do to just look normal. And even then, will I even really look normal??!?!?!?!

Prior to my diagnosis, I had a few insecurities, which got heightened over the past year, but even more so now with having breast cancer. So, I can only imagine how I'm going to feel if I only have one boobie for awhile. I had recurring thoughts of getting out of the shower or changing & seeing one big scar, where something is missing. I see it looking so horrid in my head & it makes me feel ugly when I think of that. This is me over-analyzing it, but I have to give myself room to type what really goes on in my head. I worry about the future & how this is going to affect future relationships, friendships, marriage, children, etc. It all gets factored in. All that is already hard in itself & adding this on-top just makes it more overwhelming. It's frustrating to be told, everything will be fine, you'll find someone who will accept you or when they say their mom had it or their aunt, or whoever & "look at them." Exactly my point, THEY, not them, themselves. And "THEY" were probably older than me, maybe married with kids. Not 22, single, no kids. It's easy for them to think, if they did it, you can too. I know I can, but my struggle is a bit different. It's easier to hear it from a breast cancer survivor, opposed to someone who knows someone.

OK, another thought. If I get a mastectomy & let's say the cut skin from my stomach, how will that affect me having babies? My risk is already high, what if I can't carry my child? Thankfully, there's more you can do to have children, but I'd be so devastated if I couldn't even experience having a growing being in me. Gaaaaah!!! If only you could just have cancer, get treatment, & be good. HAHAHAHA, wouldn't that be nice? Unfortunately, it's not that way & we just get slapped with more shit to deal with.

Well, enough ranting for the time being. It felt good to just type my frustration away. Especially, with no one at the current moment that I could just run to, hug & let it all out. Sometimes, you just need a good hug, *le sigh.*

One last thing:

FUCK CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

I won't apologize for the cussing, or any type of offensive shit I might say, just cause I have every right to feel or think how I want, and right now, I'm angry with cancer & all the bullshit it comes with :).

Tootle-loo, motherfucker!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Let's start off  with updates on the cancer:

We saw the nurse practitioner last Thursday, she said results for the MRI came back good, no cancer has spread! As for the genetic test, I have to wait a bit longer, insurance was being a jerk about the date of service, but LOOKS like it got taken care of. Hopefully, in 2 weeks I'll hear some good news about that. More of the waiting game.

Last night, I went to a young patient's support group in San Diego, at the hospital I'm going to. The group is for both men & women, in their 20s, 30s, & 40s, dealing with any type of cancer. We covered obstacles that we are facing, while living with that "scary" word cancer. There was this cool, chick in her late 20s, who had an awesome attitude & was up-front with it. Her biggest advice was that it's all easy right now, but once we're done & in remission, that's where it's going to suck. Everyone else also agreed with that statement, so I'm just bracing myself for when that time comes. I'm glad they are honest & just straight-up & tell you what to expect. The last thing I want to hear is that it will be daisies & posies, BULLSHIT. It's going to be hard & I'm not going to expect being strong all the time. I'll fall, but I'll pick myself up & get back on that dangerous road called L I FE. They did mention how people sort-of disappear once you're in remission. The calls, the questions of how you're doing, the genuity of it all, lessens. Not necessarily, that people don't care anymore, but since you're "ok" some just put you in the back of their head. THIS is why they said the worse part is after everything is over. You don't know what to do with yourself, you long for attention or for someone to just look out for your well-being. I'd assume some of you would think it's needy, but when YOU deal with it, you just want someone to be there. Plain & simple.

I guess when I do think about what's going on, my biggest concern is how I'm going to look & how it will affect my self-esteem. I know its sounds really vain, but we all know that in this world looks matter, unfortunately. I do have my days, like today, where I didn't feel comfortable with how I looked. I felt like my boobs looked abnormal. I know they probably didn't, but it was something that got stuck in my head when I changed this morning. It didn't help that I ate a lot during lunch & had a "food baby" so I just looked odd today, haha.

Anyways.. I've obviously been put in a situation where I have to think about the future, especially having babies. The possibility of not having any, or also not being able to find a partner that will understand everything I've gone (will be going) through. That's the hardest pill to swallow. I'm putting my trust & faith in God, & I know he'll put everything how it should be.

Which leads me to the awesome weekend I had! I had a mini vacation, it was totally what I needed to relieve some tension & have some good ol' fun.

I went up to San Diego on Saturday afternoon, met up with my friend Susie, went to eat at Slater's 50/50, BOMBSKIES!!! I had the bacon burger. Overload of bacon & I don't regret it ;)

The next day was just plain, awesome!!! I met up with Lauren, we had breakfast at The Broken Yolk, and again, overload of bacon, hahaha.We shared our stories, it felt so good talking to someone who knows exactly what it's like. THANK YOU, LAUREN!

Later that day, Susie & my brother, David, went to Sunset Cliffs & we met up with Jon, Turi & Vanessa. We enjoyed the gorgeous sunset, absolutely breathtaking. It was one of those feelings where you felt infinite. The saltiness smell of the ocean. The cool, wind that was blowing through my hair. The laughter in the air. It made me feel alive.

 After that memorable time, we went back to my brother's house for some carne asada. It was really laid back, had some good food & vibes. Reminiscing about the old days, how long we've known each other, what everyone is up to. There was this moment when I mentioned, we grew up together, not thinking that something like cancer would happen to someone we've known since elementary. Kinda surreal.

The next day, David & I went to the San Diego Museum of Man & the Instruments of Torture exhibit. I was so stoked to be there, & enjoyed every moment of it. I wish I could've taken photos of the exhibit, but they didn't allow it, loser's! At the museum, I went a bit crazy photographing everything.

Of course, when I saw C-3PO, I automatically thought of my sistah!

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE MUSEUM WAS THE ANCIENT EGYPT EXHIBIT! I've had an obsession with Mummies, Egyptian artifacts, etc., since I was a little girl. At one point in time, I wanted to be an Archaeologist! So, when I got to see this, I was in heaven.

Overall, this weekend was a memorable, fun experience. I'm glad I got to do these things with great people, in a great place. Can't wait to do it again!

All of this, is a reminder to keep on fighting & being that cancer, ass-kicking, WARRIOR QUEEN!